Carest Thou Not That We Perish?

When I was a missionary, I experienced some anxiety.  Not just some anxiety, the worst anxiety of my life.  It got to the point where I was crying multiple times a day, terrified to leave the house where I was staying.  Through this time, I had an amazing companion who held me when I cried and reminded me how to breathe.  Her support was amazing, but I never got better.  I was just looking over a hymn I contemplated during that time, "Master the Tempest Is Raging."  Then and now I can relate to lot of the feelings attributed to the disciples of Jesus as they were tossed in the storm.  The tempest of covid, the rising wave, growing bigger, coming closer, "Carest thou not [Jason Kenney] that we perish? How canst thou lie asleep When each moment so madly is threat'ning A grave in the angry deep?" The song calls out, to some powerful other, to act, to change the situation, to speak and be obeyed.  The song trusts that the will of the almighty is peace and stillness.  And yet, the disciple, I, continue to cry out as if not heard over the raging storm.  "Master with anguish of spirit I bow in my grief today. The depths of my sad heart are troubled. Oh, waken and save I pray!  Torrents of sin and of anguish Sweep o'er my sinking soul, And I perish! I perish! dear Master. Oh hasten and take control!"  While  the song continues to a place of rest on a blissful shore, no matter how much I cried out, that promised shore remained a frail hope.  The third verse of the song too quickly turned positive that I couldn't quite believe it possible.  Though I wish now that those in charge would take stronger actions to prevent the third wave from rising ever higher and crashing down on us, I am left feeling insignificant.  Nobody is listening to me.  The peace and calm of a post covid world are beyond my grasp and past a daunting third wave.  I see only the wave.  It blocks both the sun and any hope from my view.  How long must I wait?  How much longer?  I thought 2021 was the year. 

As a missionary, I too waited for the end to come.  Then, after I'd been a missionary for about a year, my anxiety began to go away.  Never completely, but the impending doom was lifted, and the sunshine no longer obscured.  There were some situational changes that were beyond my control, but those weren't the reason I could see the sun.  At some point I realised that happiness was a choice, it was a mood I could choose, and I didn't have to wait for God to change the circumstances.  I didn't have to wait until I went home.  I could find happiness where I was.  It worked.  My attitude changed because I decided it would change.  I sang.  I sang happy songs, not song about some distant hope nor pie in the sky, but songs about goodness on earth, now.  I sang:

"In a world where sorrow

Ever will be known,

Where are found the needy

And the sad and lone,

How much joy and comfort

You can all bestow,

If you scatter sunshine

Ev’rywhere you go."

 Rather than waiting for happiness to find me, rather than trusting some other being to rid me of anxiety, I took that decision into my own hands.  I wonder if I can't do that today.  Sometimes I feel that I have a right be be upset.  I have a right to be anxious as I am often in close contact with others at work.  I have a right to blame to government for letting people die, for keeping my workplace open.  I have a right to worry about the health of those I love.  I have the right to be grumpy when I start work early.  I have the right to be miserable.  So, maybe I do, but what good does any of that do me, or those around me?  I may have a right to be anxious, but what if I can choose to be happy?  I know it isn't easy, but I've done it before, so I trust that it is possible.  With some counselling, with constant little choices to see good in the world around me, with a smile on my face and thanksgiving in my heart, it is possible.

"When the days are gloomy,

Sing some happy song;

Meet the world’s repining

With a courage strong.

Go with faith undaunted

Thru the ills of life;

Scatter smiles and sunshine

O’er its toil and strife."

* Master the Tempest Is Raging: Text: Mary Ann Baker

** Scatter Sunshine: Text: Lanta Wilson Smith 

That Girl Who Went to the Preston Missionary Training Centre.

That girl who went to the Preston MTC in England wanted to be friendly with everyone, but found herself shrinking away in groups, becoming almost invisible. She wasn’t sure if her roots could hold her, so often she hide. The girl who went to England, knew the way of the religion she was spreading, yet wasn’t sure if she believed it. She prayed to believe, she fasted and she accepted every twitch in her tummy as a declaration of truth. The girl who went to the Preston MTC was like a plant, her leaves longing for sunshine, yet she kept them in the shadows. She was gay, she knew she was gay, but she wasn’t sure what people would say if she mentioned it, so she kept it to herself. She wore skirts. That was the expectation. She offered prayers, she knew the kinds of words to say, but found it hard to be genuine when others were listening. That girl who went to the Preston MTC made the choice to believe in a male God. She chose to believe in living prophets who commanded those with same-sex attraction to stay single or marry the opposite sex. She desired to go on a mission, to teach, to serve her church, even if she knew it would mean wearing clothes that made her feel uncomfortable for a year and a half. When the girl went to the Preston MTC, she didn’t eat much. She wasn’t hungry. She knew there were vegetarian options, but rather than choose those, she avoided the meat and picked through whatever else was given her. Her tummy hurt. In the moment she was hungry, she was told she couldn’t eat. The classroom wasn’t the place. She wished to explain herself, but rather, she held back tears and submitted. Her leaves withered. One curled up and dropped off the plant. When the girl was in the Preston MTC, she flirted with the idea of coming out. She yearned for light. In front of a crowd, she proposed to a girl, but everyone knew it was a joke. She wanted people to know who she was and love her anyways. But she was told all gay and lesbian people should go live and die out on an island. She tried not to watch the other sisters change, she didn’t mean to admire the curves of their bodies, covered in white, shaped like angels. She didn’t want to be accused of being a 14 year-old boy, though she understood how they must feel. With her companion, she joked that she’d come out later. Before her companion could say a word, she carried on with the story she was telling. Her gay foliage battered the shadows, crying out to be seen. She wondered if she hid it long enough, if her gay branch would break off and die. The girl in the Preston MTC searched for truth in her religion. She was in so far that finding truth was the only answer. Though she had questions, she trusted there were solutions which she didn’t yet understand. In England, though she hated praying, her prayers were answered, signs were received, and she could believe in her message. The signs formed her witness, her testimony of truth. A testimony that she decided was more powerful than any doubt. This was the testimony she’d been hoping for. In the Preston MTC, that girl received three compliments. They breathed life into a twig of her being. If she hadn’t been insecure, perhaps they wouldn’t have mattered. The comments convinced her that she could be a fantastic missionary, that she could teach and touch hearts, and that she could share her thoughts and change lives. She clung to this encouragement, believing that she was where she needed to be.

Sometimes I am ashamed to say this. At times, I long to hide my past, but I was the girl who went to the Preston MTC. Though it was more than four years ago, that was me. I have changed; I am the same. Though I’m no longer a member of a specific religion, I still pray. I try to pray out of desire, but too often it come from a place of routine and obligation. In the MTC I understood why the church told us to pray. Now I am not sure I know the reasons why I address my thoughts to an unknown being. I hope, somehow he can strengthen my limbs and branches. It has been a long time since I have fasted. When I fast next, it will be medical, so the doctors can check out my tummy. The pain is different than it was before, and while I still don’t have much of an appetite, I am not losing weight like I did in the MTC. My roots have expanded and I absorb more nutrients. I’m still gay. Some branches never die, regardless of how long we deny them. I don’t try to change my orientation anymore. In the sunlight, this branch buds and blossoms, and I realise how much it is a part of me. I married the most compassionate and understanding woman I’ve ever met. And yet, at times I am afraid. I am scared to tell people that I am married, nervous to say that I have a wife. I still fear their rejection. My leaves, however, touched by the sun refuse to stay in the shadows for long. In the MTC my teaching skills were complimented and encouraged. Now, I continue to teach, though my message is no longer faith based. I am eager to learn how to be a better teacher, but slower to accept the advice I receive. I chose to think and reason for myself. I recognise that one person’s style of teaching might not be for me, and that is okay. I continue to thrive when I am watered with praise. Perhaps it was my joy of teaching that brought me to the MTC, that sustained me there and through my time in England. I knew if I was going to teach in England, I needed to believe my message, so I forced myself to find signs of its veracity. Teaching as a missionary meant denying my gay branch, wishing it would die. It meant teaching others that homosexuality was wrong. As I continue to teach, I teach independence. It is easy for me to believe my message. Yet, I am still concerned about my students knowing I’m gay. Though my message no long dictates what people ought to do in their bedrooms, I fear losing credibility if the students knew what I did in mine. Every day when I teach, my gay branch hides in the shadows. The leaves reach for the light coming through the crack. They want the sunlight. They want to be seen. Just as the girl in the MTC hoped to one day come out, so to do I wish to live without hiding any of my branches.

The Search

**5**

Invite Jesus into your heart, my Sunday school teacher says. I do. Over and over again I do, but if I never feel a change, how can I know it worked? What does it feel like to have a grown, bearded man, robed in blue and white, living inside my heart? Is he wearing a crown of thorns when he enters in?

**11**

Give your life to Jesus, the camp speaker says. Surrender all you are. Commit your life to him. I do. Over and over again, I pray, I read the Bible. I fast. I am baptised. What does it feel like to be dead to the natural man, alive in Christ? If I don’t feel different, am I doing it wrong?

**15**

I choose my story, the Christian author says, I choose what I want in my story, and I know what I don’t want. I don’t want sin. I don’t want attractions towards women. I don’t want to be gay. I make the choice solid. I commit fully to God’s plan, not my desires. I am happy, right? I may not know who I am. I write dark poetry about being alone. I think about hurting myself, a cry for attention, but surely God is attentive to me. I don’t need, nor deserve the attention of others. If God is with me, must I feel so alone?

**18**

I’ve been promised a personal relationship with God. I seek to know this being I follow. I plan to isolate myself from others. I don’t need human relationships, I need God. I imagine sitting on the floor, hiding beneath over-the-ear headphones on my first day of Bible college. I can’t afford the headphones that I imagine, so I settle for the earphones that come with the MP3 player I buy for this purpose. I sit and observe the other students. I am not here for them. I am here to know God. As the year passes, I do meet the other students, I write about the Trinity, but God never shows up. Where is he?

**19**

At Bible camp, I watch as parents show up with a cake for their son. No one knows it is my birthday too. No one celebrates me. Surely the God who formed me, who knit me together in my mother’s womb, surely he know. That ought to be enough. I can quote the scriptures, but I cry in the basement, alone. Does God see me? Can’t he send some one my way to cheer me up?

**20**

I head to Bible college again; different school, different city, new friends. I’m still seeking for that relationship with God. I still avoid getting too involved in social aspects, but I do enjoy community with my roommates. I attend a new church, but find only performance and noise. Is God in the textbooks? The hymnal? Can he really speak directly to me?

**23**

At work I share with youth this good news that I’ve been promised. There is a loving God who can help every youth overcome every challenge. God can help in all situations. In my secret thoughts I wonder why God helps some frantic wealthy woman find her car keys, when every day there are children dying of hunger in Chad. I wonder, if he doesn’t care about the children dying across the world, why would he care about my dad, dying of cancer? Why does God help others, but never me?

**24**

And why doesn’t God comfort me after my dad passes? Why do I try so hard to be righteous, but feel so alone? I’ve memorised scriptures, I’ve written papers, I’ve prayed, but it has made no difference. I wonder if I can find comfort somewhere else. I wonder if sinful living is the path to choose. Yet, as I list vices, none of them appeal much to me. I go through Christian motions, but my heart drifts from the hope it once held. God makes no difference in my life. My belief in him isn’t what makes me a good person, so why believe in him?

**25**

I’ve given up, and yet, I am drawn back by missionaries who once again promise a relational God. They are patient with my questions, sure in their answers. I want to believe. I want to believe in the hope they offer. I want to believe there is goodness and reason in the messiness of life. I desire again for evidence of this being, count every song that pops into my head as a sign. Get baptised, the missionaries say. I do. I participate in community. I accept who I am, a little bit. For the first time say the words, I’m gay. I wonder why God still wants me to marry a man. His plans seem to work great for everyone else, but are they really what is best for me? Why can’t God have a personal plan for me?

**27**

I go on a mission to put off thoughts of marriage. I go on a mission longing to connect with the spiritual, to hear God’s voice, to heed his direction. I go on a mission hoping my commitment to serve God will earn me a personal experience with him. I go on a mission believing that God, who has so often remained silent in my life, will speak into the lives of others. I learn again to hide my sexuality, to fake spirituality, to assume my thoughts are from God. I learn how dark anxiety feels. I remember how lonely I can feel in the presence of people. I don’t give up. The weight of responsibility presses on my shoulders, but I push against it. I choose to be joyful, I find life in music. At times I journey with others, at times I fight alone. Does God ever take my side, or does he just watch from the sideline? Why, after all my effort, don’t I see miracles?

**30**

I love her. I intend just to be her friend, but I love her. More importantly, she loves me. I feel that love. We could just be friends, but I know what I want. It is not the voice of my Sunday school teacher, the voice of the camp speaker, the voice of the missionaries, nor that of any other religious leader. It is a voice from within me. Our love is tangible, and I want to give my whole self to this woman. Do I love her more than I love God, my bishop asks me. Yes, and I’ve felt her love in ways I’ve never felt the love of God. We have a very personal relationship. She cares about me and validates me in ways I only hoped God would. The choice is easy. I abandon the religion which makes me choose, and we marry. Does God rejoice with me?

**31**

We don’t hate God, and we don’t hate religion, so we choose to explore churches willing to accept our relationship. Something within me always draws me back to churches. It isn’t the music nor the sermons. It isn’t the theology which I spent years studying. As I search for God, I asked, can a community be God to me? Can a church be Jesus? I had sought tirelessly for a relationship with God, but had I missed the point when I overlooked human relationships? Perhaps to feel love from God was to feel love from people. My wife and I searched for such a community until we found a place where I can believe that God is love, because it is a community of love. A place where I can believe that God cares, because they care. A place where I can believe that God accepts me, because they accept me. So, I have found the love, compassion and acceptance of God, without any certainty that there is a divine being. Perhaps I could have found this earlier, but it wasn’t what I’d been looking for. Promises of magical intervention, lofty visions, had my eyes focused away from the Christlike love of others. How can I spread this love?

Where's the Peace?

There is peace in Christ
When we’re straight like him
We’ll feel the love he felt for us
If we’re free from sins.
Listen to his words
Let them condemn me
If we know him and are cis
There is peace in Christ.

He gives us hope
Hope to be straight
He gives us strength
So we can’t move on
He gives us shelter
A closet to hide
When there’s no peace in me
Where’s the peace in Christ?

There is peace in Christ
If we sacrifice
The way he’s made us to be
If we lose ourselves
It will break our hearts
We’ll have tear-filled eyes
When we live as straight as him
There is peace in Christ.*

* Adapted from: https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/youth/bc/youth/theme/2018/music/lyrics-sheets/peace-in-Christ-lyrics.pdf?lang=eng 

I am not bitter nor angry, just confused and not at peace.

40-78

When it come to gratitude, it is hard to be grateful if I am focused on what I do not yet have. I am trying to be happy for what I have now, while also being happy for the hope I have for the good which is yet to come. This picture is from a walk I went on today.  I am grateful for that walk, and for finding this little hill...  but that didn't make it into my list.

1. I am thankful for my students and for their warm welcome back. 
2. I am thankful for my knowledge of the English language. 
3. I am thankful to be able to teach and tutor. 
4. I am thankful I can offer people rides. 
5. I am thankful I can talk with SJ about money. 
6. I am thankful I can read the Book of Mormon with SJ. 
7. I am grateful that I didn't feel depressed today. 
8. I am grateful for naps. 
9. I am thankful for the atmosphere at work. 
10. I am grateful for the variety of food in the grocery store. 
11. I am thankful for my friends G and B, and that they helped me discover that teaching ESL is fun. 
12. I am thankful for the training I have received.
13. I am grateful for all the information available to which I have access. 
14. I am thankful to have hope to change.
15. I want to be thankful, not just for the good in my life, but the good in the lives of those around me. I am thankful each of my students has the chance to be in Canada and learn English.  They each have their own story, and unique reason for coming to Canada. I am grateful they each are blessed to be able to be here. 
16. I am thankful that I don't need to be perfect yet. I can improve little by little. 
17. I am thankful I can walk. 
18. I am thankful for the hills in my neighbourhood. 
19. I am thankful for Canmore park. 
20. I am thankful to have a keyboard. 
21. I am thankful for the bit of piano knowledge I have, and that I am learning more. 
22. I am thankful for friends with whom I can joke. 
23. I am thankful for humour. 
24. I am thankful when others thank me. 
25. I am thankful to be able to clean the temple, and how that has encouraged me to take better care of the places I go. 
26. I am thankful to be a temple worker. 
27. I am thankful for the many people who have encouraged me in small ways through life's journey. I am thinking specifically of Brother and Sister P. 
28. I am thankful for their openness and their smiles. 
29. I am thankful to be a temple worker and a temple learner. 
30. I am grateful to always be able to learn about God. 
31. I am thankful for my Saturday classes. 
32. I am thankful for my coworker C and her willingness to share ideas and material with me. 
33. I am thankful for this list of gratitude with helps me to remember to focus on the positive, even as I look forward to SJ coming. 
34. I am thankful that SJ sings to me. 
35. I am thankful she makes me laugh. 
36. I am thankful for my study group. 
37. I am thankful for my friend D, and that she sat by me in Church. 
38. I am thankful for broadcasts. 
39. I am thankful for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and the covenants I can make with God. 

The Living Christ: The Testimony of the Apostles The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

As we commemorate the birth of Jesus Christ two millennia ago, we offer our testimony of the reality of His matchless life and the infinite virtue of His great atoning sacrifice. None other has had so profound an influence upon all who have lived and will yet live upon the earth.

He was the Great Jehovah of the Old Testament, the Messiah of the New. Under the direction of His Father, He was the creator of the earth. “All things were made by him; and without him was not any thing made that was made” (John 1:3). Though sinless, He was baptized to fulfill all righteousness. He “went about doing good” (Acts 10:38), yet was despised for it. His gospel was a message of peace and goodwill. He entreated all to follow His example. He walked the roads of Palestine, healing the sick, causing the blind to see, and raising the dead. He taught the truths of eternity, the reality of our premortal existence, the purpose of our life on earth, and the potential for the sons and daughters of God in the life to come.

He instituted the sacrament as a reminder of His great atoning sacrifice. He was arrested and condemned on spurious charges, convicted to satisfy a mob, and sentenced to die on Calvary’s cross. He gave His life to atone for the sins of all mankind. His was a great vicarious gift in behalf of all who would ever live upon the earth.

We solemnly testify that His life, which is central to all human history, neither began in Bethlehem nor concluded on Calvary. He was the Firstborn of the Father, the Only Begotten Son in the flesh, the Redeemer of the world.

He rose from the grave to “become the firstfruits of them that slept” (1 Cor. 15:20). As Risen Lord, He visited among those He had loved in life. He also ministered among His “other sheep” (John 10:16) in ancient America. In the modern world, He and His Father appeared to the boy Joseph Smith, ushering in the long-promised “dispensation of the fulness of times” (Eph. 1:10).

Of the Living Christ, the Prophet Joseph wrote: “His eyes were as a flame of fire; the hair of his head was white like the pure snow; his countenance shone above the brightness of the sun; and his voice was as the sound of the rushing of great waters, even the voice of Jehovah, saying:

“I am the first and the last; I am he who liveth, I am he who was slain; I am your advocate with the Father” (D&C 110:3–4).

Of Him the Prophet also declared: “And now, after the many testimonies which have been given of him, this is the testimony, last of all, which we give of him: That he lives!

“For we saw him, even on the right hand of God; and we heard the voice bearing record that he is the Only Begotten of the Father—

“That by him, and through him, and of him, the worlds are and were created, and the inhabitants thereof are begotten sons and daughters unto God” (D&C 76:22–24).

We declare in words of solemnity that His priesthood and His Church have been restored upon the earth—“built upon the foundation of … apostles and prophets, Jesus Christ himself being the chief corner stone” (Eph. 2:20).

We testify that He will someday return to earth. “And the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together” (Isa. 40:5). He will rule as King of Kings and reign as Lord of Lords, and every knee shall bend and every tongue shall speak in worship before Him. Each of us will stand to be judged of Him according to our works and the desires of our hearts.

We bear testimony, as His duly ordained Apostles—that Jesus is the Living Christ, the immortal Son of God. He is the great King Immanuel, who stands today on the right hand of His Father. He is the light, the life, and the hope of the world. His way is the path that leads to happiness in this life and eternal life in the world to come. God be thanked for the matchless gift of His divine Son.

https://www.lds.org/ensign/2000/04/the-living-christ-the-testimony-of-the-apostles-the-church-of-jesus-christ-of-latter-day-saints?lang=eng

I felt like… a prophet.

I’ve been teaching English as a Second Language, and I generally enjoy my job. I work part-time and pick up other shifts subbing. I was asked to sub yesterday, and I was asked to give the students an assessment… a test. The students were not pleased by this news, and it was very much new news to them. I took the first part of class teaching them about letter writing. It was supposed to be review, but it seemed full of ideas foreign to my students. When it came time to administer the test, they retaliated. They gave me every good reason why they should not have to write the test, and begged me just to teach them instead. I told them we were writing the test. I tried to prepare them for the test, giving them all the information they would need, but they were not listening. They had determined that they were not writing the test. I tried to explain that the test was the material which the teacher had left for them. I was just following orders. I didn’t know why she had left them this test, but I gave possible explanations, guessing at her motivation. They were stubborn. So was I. They threatened to go to a different school, an easier school, if I made them take the test. At one point another teacher walked by the window. I gave a slight nod of my head, beckoning for his help. When he entered, I told him the situation, and he told the class that I was just following orders. They could complain to their teacher, but they shouldn’t complain to me. It was nice having him back me up. He was a second witness, but the class still did not care.

It was then that I started to cry. I didn’t want to manipulate them with my tears, really, I didn’t want to cry, but it didn’t feel like I had much choice.  My tears softened them, but didn’t change their resolve. They assured me that their frustration wasn’t against me, they promised that they liked me, but they were frustrated with all that had gone on that semester and they were not writing that test. One of the students came and put her arm around me, another told me not to cry, while a third asked me why I cried. The only answer I could think to give him was that I am fragile. Through my tears, I taught them the English saying “don’t shoot the messenger,” and pleaded with them again to write the test. One of the students asked me to just teach them. “I can’t teach anymore,” I said. I didn’t mean I could never teach again, only that it is hard to teach and cry at the same time.

The hour allotted for the test was now diminished by half. My resolve was weakened, and I asked them to try. I told them to do the test as practice, and I would help them, and they could ask me questions. I placed the tests on their desks. They looked one to another, trying to decide if they would indeed try. Slowly pencils met papers and they began the test.

I reflected on the question, “why did I cry?”

I cried because I felt disappointed.

I cried because I felt like they were trying to manipulate me.

I cried because I want to do what I have been told to do. Foundational to my molarity is a need to do what I am told, and what I have agreed to do. I am good at following instructions, but they sought to deny me of the joy of doing that.

As I walked home, I thought about prophets. I thought about prophets like Samuel the Lamanite who stood declaring a message only to have people hurl stones at him. I thought about prophets during the years when black members could not hold the priesthood. They wanted to give suggestions about why that might have been so, but really they did not know. They were simply doing what they had been told to do. I thought about prophets today, declaring hard truth against gay marriage. People may threaten them, tell them they will join a different church, an easy church, if the prophets don’t change their mind. The message doesn’t come from the prophet. If we must complain, we should complain to God. President Nelson offers that invitation in these words, “Pour out your heart to your Heavenly Father. Turn to Him for answers and for comfort. Pray in the name of Jesus Christ about your concerns, your fears, your weaknesses—yes, the very longings of your heart. And then listen!” (https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2018/04/revelation-for-the-church-revelation-for-our-lives?lang=eng)

I’d better post this, and then get back to work.

Purpose

As a missionary I taught the Plan of Salvation as an answer to the question "why we are here?"  It is an important question which the Plan of Salvation answers in many big ways.  We are here to learn, grow and progress.  We are here to gain a body and to eventually live with Heavenly Father again.  We are here to be part of families, to love and to be loved.  We are here to face challenges, hardships and trials, and ultimately, to overcome.  We are here to try, and because of our saviour's atonement, we are here to make mistakes, to learn to repent and to find forgiveness.  We are here to have joy.

Regardless of knowing the above, I go day to day often with little purpose.  I don't know why I get out of bed in the morning, I don't know what to do with my time to make it meaningful, I don't know why I am here.  Living life without a purpose is really hard.

When it was suggested to me today that I have a hard time finding purpose in my day to day life, I wanted to retaliate.  I wanted to argue "But the Church..." The Church, the doctrines it presents, provide meaning in my life.  I ought to have purpose, I know the doctrine, I have taught it time and again.  That said, I could not disagree.  From day to day, moment to moment, my life lacks purpose.  I notice this lack of purpose when I am playing games on my phone, not because I am enjoying the game, but because I can think of no activity which would bring meaning into my life.  I notice this lack of purpose when I cannot will myself out of bed in the morning.  I notice this lack of purpose when I check my social media accounts again and again, not sure what I am looking for, but never finding fulfillment.

Yet I believe the Plan of Salvation is God's plan for us, even for me.  However, I have a hard time applying it to the moments which make up my life.  My purpose here is to progress, to become like God.

How does waking up early and actually getting out of bed help me to become like God?
How does brushing my teeth help me progress?
Will I progress faster if I make and eat pancakes for breakfast or if I eat cereal?
How does my decision on what I wear help me to progress?
And then what?  What meaningful activities can I do before work which will help me progress?
Yes, there is scripture study, and prayer, but what else?
Does sending a text help me progress?
Do I progress as I play games on my phone?
Will skating endless figure-eights aid in my progression?
Does developing and using my skills help me to progress?  Which skills should I develop?
How do I make sure work is more than work, but that I take hold of the opportunities in which I can progress?
How does staying up late writing a blog post help me to progress?

Perhaps it seems silly to consider how each action plays in to my eternal destiny (and if I do not go about this carefully, I may end up feeling stressed about my lack of progression), but if my actions are not eternally significant, then they are not significant, and quickly I begin to wonder if I am significant at all.

If I am going to find joy, I must see the greater significance behind my seemingly meaningless actions.  I must determine which actions will help me become who it is that I want to become.  Progression is a slow journey.  I cannot expect to find meaning in a day.  I still do not know what will get me out of bed tomorrow.  Yet, if in each day I can find some meaning, if I can understand, even if ever so slightly, how my activities are helping me become the best me, if I can take small steps forward, then let me celebrate.  I am here for a reason.  "This is the day which the Lord hath made; [I] will rejoice and be glad in it." - Psalm 118:24

Shadow

My institute teacher shared about how we can be a shadow of Christ. Our image, that is our acts, character and countenance can point others to Jesus Christ. As I was in the temple, I was considering how keeping my covenants can help others come to Christ. Afterwards, I took some pictures, not really wanting to leave. As I got in my car, I noticed the couple in the vehicle beside mine were saying a prayer together. Their action was a shadow of Christ, a reminder of who he was, and who he wanted me to be. They inspired me to pause and pray.

Saying Good Bye to My Past

As I have been unpacking my belongings, I have found all sorts.  Notebooks filled with stories, a bag full of dreadlocks, clothing I forgot about, a box of photos I have yet to look through, and three hockey pucks (but I have yet to locate my skates).  among all of this I have also found reminders of who I used to be and what used to be important to me, bits of my past with which I can no longer identify.  Though I know this, I do not want to let go.  I am great at trying to justify my reasoning.  After all, isn’t having my selves lined with books that speak agains my beliefs evidence as to how strong my faith really is?  After all, I still do think that closets are for clothes.

Those are the two categories of belongings onto which I am holding.  Many of the books which speak against the Church i have never even read.  Sometimes I think I ought to read them to get my money’s worth.  My knowledge as to what critics say against the Church is no indication as to how strong my faith is.  I knew much of the critique before I has any faith.  Furthermore, I have no intention to read the literature, and just having it on myself is not going to do anyone any good.  I could give the books away, but I do not think they will do any good for anybody.  

The other category could be summed up as gay pride.  As I was driving earlier this week I came to understand that pride cannot be part of my life.  I feel this is counter-cultural, and all of societies reasons are my means of justifying holding on to this piece of my past.  I echo the words of society, it is who I am, I cannot change, i am not bad.  And perhaps it is part of who I am, perhaps it will never change, and quite certainly God created me good, but all that considered, pride is not the way forward.  If the opposite of pride is denial, that is not the answer, nor is the answer somewhere between those two points.  I would posit that it is some place two feet above.  I can acknowledge and accept that I am attracted to women without making it a point of pride.

Philippians 3:7-8: “But what things were gain to me, those I counted loss for Christ.  Yea doubtless, and I count all things but loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord: for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and do count them but dung, that I may win Christ.”

I must put my past behind me, recognize that it is rubbish and rest in the rewards Christ has offered.  It is time for church, but I must pass by the recycle bin first.

Blessed to Love

The main idea which stood out to me when my stake president laid his hands on my head and set me apart to serve a full time mission was that I would be blessed to love.  Even as he said it, I selfishly wished that he blessed me instead to be loved.  Though I do not always comprehend, I know the blessing he gave me is far greater than the one I hoped for.  It is greater to love than to be loved, harder too.  On my mission, I many times prayed that I may love those around me. Many times I was able to love them and focus upon them, rather than on me. 

I miss that blessing.  Now I am as I was before: I want to be loved.  I want to be noticed, valued, cared for.  I am seeking affirmation.  All of that I want on my terms.  I’m waiting around for someone to tell me I am spectacular.  I do not want to do anything to gain that approval.  I just want to be.  The truth is, when I laze around, I am not all that spectacular.  I am far from living up to my potential.  The truth is, as long as I am focused on others loving me, I am missing the point. 

I miss being a set apart missionary, because I miss that blessing.  That blessing, however, is not limited to me as a missionary.  Love is not just an attribute of a missionary, but a defining characteristic of Jesus Christ.   Now, even now, I, even me, can be filled with Christ-like love.  Moroni (Moroni 7:47) invites us to pray for that love, with all of our energy.  It is not that I should pray for that love, so others will love me in return.  Rather, I should seek to have Christ-like love that I may be like Jesus Christ. 

Gender Roles Elephant

            For a long time I’ve believed that gender is contrived and gender distinctions are harmful and bad.  I’ve believed that girls can have short hair and be named Zack and boy can wear skirts and giggle.  Hair styles and clothing are cultural and superficial, but there is greater depth to this issue.  I belong to a church that believes that gender is not only real, but good.  I would rather belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints than be right about gender and gender roles, so I am willing to submit as I seek to come to an understanding of the Church’s teaching about gender.  What follows are my ramblings as I try to figure this out.

IDEAL           

            What would an ideal family look like?  I know many people who were blessed by having a parent stay at home, this parent is often the mother.  Breast milk seems ideal, and men cannot breastfeed.  So perhaps there is a reason for the mother to stay home more, especially during the early years.  What would the ideal family look like?  Industrious: able to create and repair many goods needed within the home. If the husband has some skills, and the wife has other skills, together they will be able to accomplish the most.  Men can more easily gain muscle.  For that reason, if males can learn the skills requiring muscle, developing their strengths, they will be able to be a greater help in the future.  If they pass on these same skills to their sons, if mothers pass on their motherly skills to their daughters, if this happened across society, the necessary household skills would be present in every family with a mother and father present.

THE REAL WORLD

           

            There are a lot of skills unlearned, a lot of single parents, a lot of families where both parents are required to work full time in order to make a living, a lot of selfishness, a lot of pride.  Where does that leave us?

WHAT I DID NOT LEARN WHEN I WAS 4-11

            As I read in A Parent’s Guide, I encountered a new idea: that gender roles are learned and should be learned.  Previously I found viewpoints on either side of this false dichotomy.  Some argue that gender roles are intrinsic and should be prominent in society while others argue that gender roles are a social construct which should be eradicated.  Rather, A Parent’s Guide suggests ways in which these roles can be taught to children, and the value these roles play.  An example given is of simple common courtesy of men opening the doors for women.  While this gesture has previously made me feel that I was perceived as weak, the manual suggested how having a social norm (in a potentially awkward situation where two people come to a door at the same time) can allow both parties to feel comfortable.  Living within standard expectations creates a comfortable environment.[1]  As our society moves further away from these norms, opening a door for a women can leave her feeling offended rather than comfortable.  This, however, does not require that gender roles be abandoned within the Church as well.  While we cannot control society, we can try to create a culture within the Church where individuals play unique roles which act to benefit the other parties present.  While A Parent’s Guide suggests equipping children with a variety of skills, it encourages teaching skills specific to the gender and to the interest of individual children.[2]

BEFORE THIS LIFE, GENDER WAS

            While A Parent’s Guide places great emphasis on teaching gender specific skills to each child, suggesting the roles associated with each gender can be learned, gender itself existed before we were born.  The Family Proclamation is not alone in declaring that we were gendered beings in our pre-mortal existence.  James E. Talmage writes that “the distinction between male and female... was an essential characteristic of our pre-existent state.”[3]  Adding to this, Sister Margaret D. Nadauld teaches that “every girl was feminine and female in spirit long before her mortal birth.”[4]  Not only are our bodies shaped differently, so are our spirits.  Perhaps the reason why this teaching is difficult for me to accept is because I have often thought negatively of feminine characteristics.  I have equated them with weakness and lists of what women must not and cannot do.  However, Sister Nadauld goes on to encourage parents to see the potential in their daughters, to:

nourish their gentleness, their nurturing nature, their innate spirituality and sensitivity, and their bright minds, [to] celebrate the fact that girls are different from boys [and to be] thankful for the position they have in God’s grand plan.[5]

Likewise, I may see the potential in myself as Heavenly Father’s daughter and nourish and seek to increase my natural giftings.  I can celebrate rather that shy away from the fact that I am female.

THE ETERNAL ROLES OF WOMEN AND MEN

Women and men have temporal and eternal gender roles.  The temporal ones are bound to change as society develops, but eternal roles stay the same.[6]  While it was once common for men to play the role of hunter or farmer, these skills are retained only by a few people.  However, fathers are called to be fathers for time and eternity, likewise, the call to motherhood is one that does not end.[7]  There are specific gendered roles that will continue on into the eternities.  The Family: A Proclamation to the World states that “Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.”[8]  While it is great when we love our individual roles, there are times when we must press forward with purpose for we were created with a purpose.  There is a purpose behind our creation as male and female.  James E. Talmage tells us that this purpose extends beyond this life, for:

in the glorified state of the blessed hereafter, husband and wife will administer in their respective stations… woman [shall] reign by Divine right, a queen in the resplendent realm of her glorified state, even as exalted man shall stand, priest and king unto the Most High God.[9]

While I am unable to fathom the eternities, it is interesting to note man and woman each have a role to play.  As the Quaker proverb puts it, “thee lift me and I’ll lift thee, and we’ll ascend together.”[10]  God did not create a human to be alone, neither here nor in the hereafter.  “Eternal are the purposes of God; never-ending progression is provided for His children”[11] of either gender.  As we press forward throughout eternity, we shall become glorified, perfected and continually better, men becoming better men, women becoming, not men, but better women.

THE TWO PARENT FAMILY

Elder D. Todd Christofferson considers a family with a mother and a father to be the ideal.  However, he compassionately realises that this ideal is not possible for everyone.  To those who are single parents he says “you are left to manage alone what two together can barely sustain.”[12]  Single parents have a tough task, and while many do an excellent job, it is easy to see that single parenting is not an ideal situation (though in certain cases it is more ideal than the two parents being together).  Together a mother and a father are able to meet the needs of their children, each playing a different role.  They are to need and depend on each other.  If spouses act as though they do not need their partners, they “[diminish] the divine role of the other.”[13]  If we instead honor the roles of mothers and fathers we can create mutual respect and appreciation.[14]  Elder Boyd K. Packer explains that the “complementing differences [between men and women] are the very key to the plan of happiness.”  He continues on to say that “some roles are best suited to the masculine nature and others to the feminine nature. Both the scriptures and the patterns of nature place man as the protector, the provider.”[15]  It is humbling for me to accept this teaching.  My (feminine?) nature longs to argue against him and obliterate gender distinctions.  I work with a seven year old boy.  He likes to play fight.  Is that his masculine nature expressing himself?  In this modern country of Canada, how can I encourage him to use that positive desire to be a protector for good and not to harm?  How do I teach him to develop his masculine nature into useful skills?  Perhaps those are the questions I should be asking, rather than arguing with the late President Packer.  Also, it is important for me to remember that when one talks about “feminine nature,” they are not aiming to create Stepford wives or confining molds.  The feminine nature is expressed in various ways and is frequently praised by male authorities in the Church.

EVERY FAMILY IS DIFFERENT, THAT IS OKAY

I could elaborate.  A Parent’s Guide specifically talks about helping children to further the skills they enjoy, even if they are not typical for a child’s gender.  Furthermore, it encourages parents to teach children a wide range of skills so if need be they can be independent.  Just as no two people are the same, every marriage and every family will be different.  Because “there is nearly as much variation within each gender as there is between the genders,”[16] The roles of the wife in one family may be radically different than the roles of the wife in a different family.  What matters then is that the mother and father work together for the good of their family, laying down their own interests for the sake of others.

LET US NOT BE SELFISH

Selfishness often calls for a break from traditional family structure.  There is no room for selfishness in families or in the gospel.  However, not all breaks from traditional families stem from selfishness.  While one mother selflessly abandons her career to stay at home with her children, another mother may have to selflessly give up the time she desires to spend with her children and work outside the home so that there is food on the table.  We cannot look at another’s actions and judge their motivation.  If we focus solely on what we want, there will neither be care for our children nor food on the table.  In every job there are tasks which are not enjoyable.  I’m sure this maxim echoes as true for a stay at home mother just as it does for a father working outside the home.  While we can learn to love the roles given to us, we must continue to perform our duties even when we do not love them.  Otherwise the garbage will never be taken out, (later we can argue about whose role it is to take out the garbage).  While it is often argued that it is a woman’s right to work outside the home or hold any profession that a man can hold, and it is indeed her right, Elder Dallin H. Oaks urges us to “recognize that qualifying for exaltation is not a matter of asserting rights but a matter of fulfilling responsibilities.”[17]  We become more like our Heavenly Father when we sacrifice even our rights for those around us.  We must give our all for others.  As women journey through life and pursue various hopes and dreams, President James E. Faust tells women that “becoming like men is not the answer. Rather, the answer lies in being who you are and living up to your divine potential by fulfilling eternal commitments.”[18]  While each woman has unique potential, in her perfected and ideal state she will still be female.  As we seek on earth to become our best selves, we should seek to become the best mothers and sisters.  Even I, who will probably never have children, am called to be a mother to those around me.  In the words of John A. Widtsoe, “Motherhood may be exercised as universally and vicariously as Priesthood.”[19]  I too can develop my motherly characteristics and use them for the good of others.  Opportunities to serve and nurture others are given to LDS women through various church callings.

GENDER ROLES IN CHURCH ORGANISATION

In word church leaders continually elevate women.  It is then confusing why those in the highest leadership roles in the Church are men, and in fact hold positions women cannot.  While these positions seem lofty, they do not elevate an individual’s value.  Therefore, highly asserting equality of gender, does not demand destruction of gender distinctions. [20]  Rather women are valued as women and men are valued as men.  Elder M. Russell Ballard states that:

responsibilities and divine gifts of men and women differ in their nature but not in their importance or influence. Our Church doctrine places women equal to and yet different from men. God does not regard either gender as better or more important than the other.”^[21] 

Creating distinct roles for each gender does not indicate that only men are capable of the roles given to males or that only women are capable of roles given to females.  However, as we focus on our gaining skills to succeed at gendered roles we can more fully complement one another and build up the kingdom of God better together.   The reasons for these distinctions were determined by God, and according to Neal M. Maxwell we “know so little… about the reasons for the division of duties between womanhood and manhood as well as between motherhood and priesthood.”[22]  I find contriving reasons for the distinctions does more harm than good.  While we can speculate how genders are different there are always exceptions.  I happen to be a frequent exception.  When I hear statements beginning with “Women are…” I am often caused to question my gender identity.  Many of these statements do not ring true to me.  Nevertheless, through the grace and power of God I will be capable of fulfilling every role I am given in the Church, even ones cut out exclusively for feminine women.  President Gordon B. Hinckley testifies that the Lord “designated that men in His Church should hold the priesthood,” and “has given [women our] capabilities to round out this great and marvelous organization.”  Furthermore he bears witness “before the entire world of [my] worth, of [my] grace and goodness, of [my] remarkable abilities and tremendous contributions” as a women.[23]

While men hold the tremendous responsibilities associated with the priesthood,[24] this is not for their gain.  A man cannot give himself a blessing, and every spiritual gift and priesthood blessing available to men is equally available to women.[25]  The priesthood does not exist for males but for the kingdom of God.  I have often seen the hierarchy of authority as a triangle of support.  Inasmuch as President Thomas S. Monson is the leader of all people, he is also our servant.  While the world may deem those with the most priesthood authority to be the greatest, Jesus Christ proclaimed that they must be servants of all.[26]

           

DOING AWAY WITH GENDER

While I live with constant temptation to do away with gender, the Church holds on strong.  Though distinctions stated about gender often leave me feeling confused as I do not fit neatly into the feminine box, I cannot avoid the statements made by general authorities in the Church.  As an example I shall quote Elder Dallin H. Oaks at length:

We live in a day when there are many political, legal, and social pressures for changes that confuse gender and homogenize the differences between men and women. Our eternal perspective sets us against changes that alter those separate duties and privileges of men and women that are essential to accomplish the great plan of happiness. We do not oppose all changes in the treatment of men and women, since some changes in laws or customs simply correct old wrongs that were never grounded in eternal principles.[27]

My thoughts may have been richer had I studied the perspective of sociologists on gender.  However, I believe there are various and inconclusive thoughts on the matter (though I have not looked into it).  Furthermore, I do not know that sociologists can be trusted to tell me about my spirit (I do think they make many true statements about our spirits from their observation of life.  I think sociologists are great and have so much to offer society).  I could find a sociologist to support my desire to do away with gender.  However, I could also find one to support the Church’s view.  I choose to do neither.  While gender roles in the word blur together, in “the work of the Kingdom, men and women are not without each other, but do not envy each other, lest by reversals and renunciations of role we make a wasteland of both womanhood and manhood.”[28]  Despite my past habits, I’ll try my best to honour distinct roles between men and women.  This will require sustaining, in more than words or a raised hand, men in roles of authority in the Church, and believing in the complementary roles of men and women.  I will trust Saint Paul that “the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord.”[29]  I must also have faith that with grace and strength from God I can learn to become a women of the Lord.

CONCLUSION

           

Mormons could join sociologists in debating the extent to which gender is or isn’t a cultural construct.  I’m not convinced that discussion bears much fruit.  God is able to work through all of his servants, and I have no doubt that if there was a need, women could hold priesthood authority.  One could show that women held greater authority in the early church[30] and that they continue to officiate priesthood ordinances in holy temples.[31]  Women have great abilities.  Gender roles do not encompass all that a member of that gender is capable of doing, but within gendered callings in the Church we are given specific responsibilities.  In focusing on one’s own responsibility, and not looking longingly at another’s, we work as a body to build up the kingdom of God.  Women don’t need to have the priesthood, or, as Saint Paul suggests, we cannot all be hands.[32]  While there are numerous arguments for why women can and should hold priesthood keys and authority, while some females would make better bishops than males, the Church is no worse off for not having females holding priesthood offices.  Questions of why remain unanswered, but I trust that if we are willing to submit humbly to the plan of the Lord, gender specific roles will create greater unity within the Church.  Pride and stubbornness on this issue (or any) will only tear us apart.

THE UNMENTIONED ELEPHANT
            I have not spoken here about transgendered individuals.  That is an Elephant in and of itself which requires further research and deeper thoughts.

---

[1] A Parent’s Guide, 1985, https://www.lds.org/manual/a-parents-guide/chapter-4-teaching-children-from-four-to-eleven-years?lang=eng.

[2] ibid..

[3]James E. Talmage, Ed. James P. Harris, The Essential James E. Talmage, Signature Books: 1997,  http://signaturebookslibrary.org/essential-james-e-talmage-21/.

[4]Margaret D. Nadauld, “The Joy of Womanhood,” 2000,  https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2000/10/the-joy-of-womanhood?lang=eng.

[5] ibid..

[6] Martha Nibley Beck, “Women, Roles of: Historical and Sociological Development,” 1992, http://eom.byu.edu/index.php/Women,_Roles_of.

[7] Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Ezra Taft Benson, 2014, https://www.lds.org/manual/teachings-of-presidents-of-the-church-ezra-taft-benson/chapter-15-the-sacred-callings-of-fathers-and-mothers?lang=eng.

[8] Gordon B. Hinckley et al. “The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” 1995, https://www.lds.org/
topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng.

[9] Talmage, Essential.

[10] Robert D. Hales, “Strengthening Families: Our Sacred Duty,” 1999, https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1999/04/strengthening-families-our-sacred-duty?lang=eng.

[11] Talmage, Essential.                                                                                                                      

[12] D. Todd Christofferson, “Why Marriage, Why Family,” 2015, https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2015/04/why-marriage-why-family?lang=eng&media=video#watch=video.

[13] James E. Faust, “Fathers, Mothers, Marriage,” 2004, https://www.lds.org/ensign/2004/08/fathers-mothers-marriage?lang=eng.

[14] ibid..

[15] Boyd K. Packer, “For Time and All Eternity,” 1993, https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1993/10/for-time-and-all-eternity?lang=eng#29-.

[16] A Parent’s Guide.

[17]Dallin H. Oaks, “The Keys and Authority of the Priesthood,” 2014, https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/04/the-keys-and-authority-of-the-priesthood?lang=eng.

[18] James E. Faust, “How Near to the Angels,” 1998, https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1998/04/how-near-to-the-angels?lang=eng.

[19]Mary F. Foulger, “Motherhood and the Family,” 1980, https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1980/10/
motherhood-and-the-family?lang=eng.

[20] M. Russell Ballard, “Let Us Think Straight,” 2013, https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/m-russell-ballard_let-us-think-straight-2/.

[21] ibid..

[22] Neal A. Maxwell, “The Women of God,” 1978, https://www.lds.org/general-conference/print/1978/04/
the-women-of-god?lang=eng.

[23] Gordon B. Hinckley, “Women of the Church,” 1996, https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1996/10/
women-of-the-church?lang=eng.

[24] Spencer W. Kimball, “The Role of Righteous Women,” 1979, https://www.lds.org/general-conference/
1979/10/the-role-of-righteous-women?lang=eng.

[25] Joseph Fielding Smith, “The Fullness of the Priesthood,” 1970, http://emp.byui.edu/SATTERFIELDB/
Talks/FulnessPriesthoodJFS.htm.

[26] Luke 22:26.

[27] Dallin H. Oaks, “The Great Plan of Happiness,” 1993, https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1993/10/
the-great-plan-of-happiness?lang=eng.

[28] Maxwell, “The Women of God.”

[29] 1 Corinthians 11:11.

[30] Ordain Women, Wordpress, http://ordainwomen.org/quotes/.

[31] Oaks, “The Keys and Authority of the Priesthood.”

[32] 1 Corinthians 12:12-31.