Shame Verses Me

I have been reading a book* about a transparent people. They are so open, that they can read each other’s minds. They do not lie, they have no secrets, they are not ashamed.

I was recently learning about picture books where the pictures tell a different story than the words, not only are the stories different, they contradict each other. I wondered if I could write such a story about my life: the narrative, what goes on in my head, the pictures, a depiction of my life. Would they contradict one another?

I am not prone to cry, even less likely to cry in front of others. Recently I found myself in tears, video chatting with SJ’s mom, feeling uncomfortable as I allowed her to see my humanity.

I have secrets. I am ashamed of who I am. I constantly fear the disproval of others. I am afraid to be wrong. I am afraid that if others really saw me, they would not like what they see. Therefore, I ponder many different ideas, but I act in a way which I think will be agreeable to those around me. If I do not know how they want me to act, I freeze. I do not think people want to see the negative emotions floating inside my head. I doubt they want to hear my apathy, I can’t be bothered to share much of it anyhow. I fear that if I share my fears and anxiety, others will fear what I fear, or they will disregard my fears, and disregard me, as nonsensical. So I hide my feelings, I hide my thoughts, I hide me.

This is a challenging way to live, and it be sure, I don’t think it is at all good for my mental health. My physical health seems to be suffering too. I want to change, I want to improve. I want to change the name of this blog, post it on my Facebook, and walk around naked (at least metaphorically). Change is hard, and I am afraid. Part of me is afraid that I don’t really know me, I don’t know who I am, not sure who I want to be. A big part of me is afraid that people will not like me if they see the real me. They will learn that I am pesky and miserable. I want to be a happy person, but when I am not happy, is it wrong to pretend to be content for the sake of others? Perhaps rather I should ask, is it helpful or harmful to pretend a mood.

It is also important for me to remember that I am allowed to change. Though posting on the internet is much like writing in indelible ink, and my past has very much shaped me, it does not define who I am today. My feelings, positions and perspectives are allowed to change, and are encouraged to do so. The aforementioned book* discusses how changing and improving are crucial in our lives, and provide us with purpose and meaning. The people have names that change and develop as they learn and become new beings. They celebrate who they become, they celebrate their accomplishments, not to boast, but as a way to acknowledge the goodness in and around them. They know who they are, they recognise their value.

Who am I? I am a child of God. Perhaps my greatest value in this life comes from being a child of God. Because he is my parent, I have potential to become like him.  I am human.

I am a daughter of God. I do not believe I fully understand or appreciate this part of me. I do not mind being female, but I wonder if there are ways I can better be motherly towards children and youth.

I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I am a follower of Christ. I have chosen to take the name of Christ upon myself, and make and keep sacred covenants with my Heavenly Father. I desire to become like and follow Christ in all I do.

I am gay. I am particularly attracted to one woman, and I desire to express my love for her in a way that aligns with the pure love of Christ and the covenants I have made. I desire to speak more openly about my sexual orientation, but even when given an opportunity to share, I most often shy away. On a deep level, I am still ashamed that I am gay. Since I have yet to fully accept this part of myself, I cannot expect others to accept me.

I am a teacher. I love teaching! Perhaps one reason I so appreciate my job is that I can stand in front of my class, make a fool of myself and still be accepted. My inner class clown, the attention seeker I’ve always suppressed, has an opportunity to shine.

I’ve been taking anti-depressants for about 6 months now. I think they are helping, but I don’t want to rely on them for the rest of my life. I think if I can learn to be, love and appreciate me, I might not need anti-depressants any longer.

I am an auntie. I love my nieces and my nephew. I love spending time with them, though I feel like often my energy in inadequate.

I like to run, I like to bake, I like to write and I like to create, but interest in these hobbies waxes and wanes. These hobbies do not make me who I am.

These sorts of thoughts are not new to me.  They are not new to my blog.  I hope posting this post is the first of many steps to change. The process of reconciling myself with myself, may not be easy. Perhaps the next step will be changing the name of this blog, coming out to a few more people, or crying openly. Change may not be easy, but I believe it is possible, I believe it is worthwhile.

*Morgan, Marlo. Mutant Message Down Under. (HarperCollins, New York, NY: 1994)

Freud*

I am sure Freud would say

I have some sort of repressed memory

Something that happened

That makes me the way I am,

But what if

I am just the way I am?

Perhaps if I

Make up a reason,

Create a repressed memory,

I’ll have something to blame,

Something to call wrong,

So it will no longer be me

Who is wrong.

If I create a repressed memory

I’ll have somewhere to start.

A place from where

healing can begin.

If Freud is right

Maybe I can be alright

After all.

*I took an introduction to psychology course about ten years ago.  That is all I know about Freud, in other words I am not an expert and have no idea what he would say.  I don't think I have a repressed memory of a dramatic event, but I do at times think it would be nice if there was a reason why I have the struggles I have.  It would be nice to have something to blame so that I don't need to shoulder the blame.

Congratulate Me! Today I Peed in the Potty!

I like to think my appreciation for affirmation and praise is only human.  Perhaps it is fuelled by my low self-esteem that is buoyed up by the praise others give. I like to be acknowledged.  I have been thinking about integrity.  Integrity is taking onus to do what is right even when no one is around to clap for me.  When people are new to church, their efforts are acknowledged.  They are asked if they have been reading the Book of Mormon and receive affirmation for a positive response.  They begin to learn that these habits are good.  This is much the same as to how we treat young children.  They are praised when they zip up their own coat, eat all their food and pee in the potty.  Eventually the child is expected to carry on these habits without receiving praise.  When I was a child, it was expected that at the end of the meal I took my dishes to the dishwasher, and expressed gratitude for the meal.  Perhaps at one point I received praise for these behaviours.  I do not remember that, but I do remember the gentle reminders to clear my dishes.  When I am at my mom’s home I perform these habits, partly because they have become part of my nature, and partly because, whether my mom expresses it verbally or not, she is pleased by this routine.  This is the transition which needs to happen with my faith developing habits.  If I expect human, or even divine, praise every time I say a personal prayer, read my scriptures or go to church, I am going to be very disappointed.  As much as I long for this kudos, I am missing the point.  The point isn’t to get a pat on the back every time I do good.  I need to do that which is good even when no one cares, because it is good.  I can do it knowing God is pleased, whether I can feel his pleasure or not.  I should do it because peeing in the potty is better than peeing in my pants, and if I don’t zip up my coat, I will get cold.  I should do it because as I take care of myself, I can take care of others, I can acknowledge their efforts with understanding that some of the littlest tasks take great effort.  And as I do the little tasks, they will become habits, they will become part of my nature and I will become one who seeks to please God if people notice, or even if they don’t.