1720-1927 A lot of thanks.

I suppose today is Thanksgiving in the country just south of here.  Happy thanksgiving to all.  May all days be a day for thanksgiving

1. I am thankful for the journals we've been making. 
2. Opportunities to be creative. 
3. Paint
4. Acrylics
5. Magazines
6. Consumers 
7. Mountains
8. Beauty in nature which inspires art. 
9. Colours. 
10. My bank. 
11. Safe trip to visit family. 
12. Time with my family. 
13. Going to the museum with some of them. 
14. Having A trust me. 
15. Being able to comfort L in the middle of the night. 
16. Being one of M's favourites. 
17. Playing at the park. 
18. Remembering playing there as a child. 
19. Sand. 
20. The sand creations I made when I was young. 
21. Going for a long walk the G, L and J. 
22. Not having any small children hit by cars. 
23. Seeing my friend K for lunch. 
24. Seeing my other friend K to play games. 
25. Seeing my friends M and M. 
26. Playing games with them. 
27. Winning, haha. 
28. Sharing food with them. 
29. Chili night with Church people. 
30. Getting to know people there. 
31. Earning the trust of the baby. 
32. Holding the baby. 
33. Playing with the baby. 
34. Eating food. 
35. The way that babies can take away a bit of my social anxiety. 
36. SJ's new hair cut. 
37. Our silly moments together. 
38. Turtles. 
39. Videos of turtles. 
40. Our silly imitations of turtles. 
41. The email saying the SJ's WP is on its way!
42. Friendly moments with our neighbour. 
43. Our quick conversation about the dog's sweater. 
44. People willing to put up with my questions about religion. 
45. I am thankful for my class. 
46. Their diversity. 
47. Their unity. 
48. Their willingness to help each other. 
49. The textbook I have been using with them. 
50. The warm bus on a cold day. 
51. The cold day. I like it. 
52. SJ gets to have fun tonight. 
53. The good side of FB. 
54. Being brace enough to initiate getting together with our friends. 
55. Friends of my mom who sent me a wedding card. 
56. Winter gear. 
57. Warm houses. 
58. Warm showers. 
59. The bad that came. 
60. People who make friendly conversations on the bus. 
61. The new paint job at my school. 
62. SJ's work permit!!!
63. Getting her a SIN. 
64. Applying for her health coverage. 
65. I am thankful for coworkers willing to share stories and experiences. 
66. Flash cards
67. Flash card apps.
68. That the bus comes right after work ends. 
69. Diversity of students. 
70. My student O who was trying so hard. 
71. His desire to learn. 
72. The way he learns. 
73. Endurance. 
74. My wife. 
75. That she will soon have a Canadian phone number. 
76. The chance she's had to heal her bone. 
77. Her amazing bone. 
78. Doctor appointments in the near future!
79. Story writing. 
80. Lessons I learned in my creative writing class. 
81. Imagination. 
82. Creativity in me. 
83. The creativity of others. 
84. Shapes. 
85. Stars. 
86. Collaborating with my coworkers. 
87. Soon to not be a single income family!
88. Low financial expectations. 
89. Happiness that comes apart from money. 
90. Free little libraries. 
91. Free public libraries. 
92. Water. 
93. SJ's water bottle. 
94. Ten avocados for a dollar!
95. Guacamole!
96. Lots of guacamole!
97. Chips!
98. Salsa
99. Soup
100. Spicy food. (But not too spicy)
101. I'm thankful for runs to the bus. 
102. I am thankful Halloween is over!
103. I am thankful SJ will be able to get a bank account!
104. I am thankful for changing seasons.  
105. I am thankful when humanity respects each other. 
106. I am thankful for continued revelation in the Community of Christ. 
107. I am thankful for friendly neighbours. 
108. I am thankful that I don't have to drive to work. 
109. For those concerned about the environment. 
110. For chocolate chips added to my cereal. 
111. Beautiful mornings. 
112. Friendly person in the bus who wished me a good day. 
113. New paint. 
114. I like my job. 
115. I am thankful for great Sundays. 
116. That J could come to church. 
117. She enjoyed it. 
118. She got to talk with some people. 
119. And that K could come to church. 
120. That I got to see him again after 10 years. 
121. That there are Christian communities where we can be accepted. 
122. That I saw T again. 
123. And that B introduced SJ as my wife. 
124. That we got to hand out with B and T. 
125. That my students passed the assessment. 
126. For the class in general. 
127. Trial today with giving instructions. 
128. Making use of manipulatives. 
129. Conversion with K after church
130. I am thankful that work is done for the day. 
131. I am thankful that my sore voice doesn't stop me from talking. 
132. I am thankful for my ten minute nap at lunch time. 
133. Warmth
134. Wind
135. Inventions. 
136. Green power house. 
137. Urban farming. 
138. The love of my wifey. 
139. People working against sex trafficking 
140. The increase of openly gay athletes
141. Safer places for refugees
142. Gay people willing to stand up as gay for the good of others. 
143. Children who are taught to be accepting. 
144. Allies. 
145. I am thankful that snow is beautiful 
146. For an afternoon to be a receptionist. 
147. That I only had one phone call, and it was successful. 
148. That the car didn't slip and hit me. 
149. The receptionists at our school. 
150. Their abilities to fix problems. 
151. Making paper houses at work today. 
152. Happy student. 
153. Crazy assessments.
154. Computer lab at school. 
155. My favourite volunteer. 
156. I am thankful for our staff meetings. 
157. Our whiteboards
158. Our smart boards. 
159. My wife's creativity. 
160. Google images. 
161. My wife. 
162. I am thankful for the way she interacts with me. 
163. The way she holds me
164. And listens to me
165. And expresses her love for me. 
166. I am thankful she will be home when I get there. 
167. I am thankful I got to see my g and g. 
168. That they were kind with my wife, even if they feel uncomfortable with my life choices. 
169. Bridge. 
170. Supper with JoCar
171. My cool aunt. 
172. Her struggle. 
173. Her voice. 
174. Her desire to do good. 
175. Being able to see her. 
176. I am thankful for J. 
177. For his hair. 
178. For his willingness to cut it off. 
179. His desire to do good and help others. 
180. The many ways of doing good in this world. 
181. Documentaries. 
182. People who see possibilities. 
183. Switching up my walk. 
184. Tutoring close to home. 
185. I am thankful for hospitals
186. I am thankful for doctors
187. And nurses
188. And healthlink
189. And universal health coverage. 
190. That SJ qualifies for that coverage now. 
191. That we are together. 
192. And we don't have bed bugs. 
193. Or a pit bull. 
194. I am thankful for the C of JC of LDS
195. That I was given opportunities there to serve. 
196. For the friends I met there. 
197. For the chance they have me to believe in God. 
198. Lessons in self control. 
199. Free climbing. 
200. That I was able to climb with my students. 
201. Their willingness to go outside in the cold. 
202. Language acquisition. 
203. Learning how to extend invitations on my mission. 
204. Not fearing rejection. 
205. I'm thankful to have met people around the world while on my mission. 
206. For the ones I still keep in contact with. 
207. My coworker B who helped me feel okay with being out at work. 

The Search

**5**

Invite Jesus into your heart, my Sunday school teacher says. I do. Over and over again I do, but if I never feel a change, how can I know it worked? What does it feel like to have a grown, bearded man, robed in blue and white, living inside my heart? Is he wearing a crown of thorns when he enters in?

**11**

Give your life to Jesus, the camp speaker says. Surrender all you are. Commit your life to him. I do. Over and over again, I pray, I read the Bible. I fast. I am baptised. What does it feel like to be dead to the natural man, alive in Christ? If I don’t feel different, am I doing it wrong?

**15**

I choose my story, the Christian author says, I choose what I want in my story, and I know what I don’t want. I don’t want sin. I don’t want attractions towards women. I don’t want to be gay. I make the choice solid. I commit fully to God’s plan, not my desires. I am happy, right? I may not know who I am. I write dark poetry about being alone. I think about hurting myself, a cry for attention, but surely God is attentive to me. I don’t need, nor deserve the attention of others. If God is with me, must I feel so alone?

**18**

I’ve been promised a personal relationship with God. I seek to know this being I follow. I plan to isolate myself from others. I don’t need human relationships, I need God. I imagine sitting on the floor, hiding beneath over-the-ear headphones on my first day of Bible college. I can’t afford the headphones that I imagine, so I settle for the earphones that come with the MP3 player I buy for this purpose. I sit and observe the other students. I am not here for them. I am here to know God. As the year passes, I do meet the other students, I write about the Trinity, but God never shows up. Where is he?

**19**

At Bible camp, I watch as parents show up with a cake for their son. No one knows it is my birthday too. No one celebrates me. Surely the God who formed me, who knit me together in my mother’s womb, surely he know. That ought to be enough. I can quote the scriptures, but I cry in the basement, alone. Does God see me? Can’t he send some one my way to cheer me up?

**20**

I head to Bible college again; different school, different city, new friends. I’m still seeking for that relationship with God. I still avoid getting too involved in social aspects, but I do enjoy community with my roommates. I attend a new church, but find only performance and noise. Is God in the textbooks? The hymnal? Can he really speak directly to me?

**23**

At work I share with youth this good news that I’ve been promised. There is a loving God who can help every youth overcome every challenge. God can help in all situations. In my secret thoughts I wonder why God helps some frantic wealthy woman find her car keys, when every day there are children dying of hunger in Chad. I wonder, if he doesn’t care about the children dying across the world, why would he care about my dad, dying of cancer? Why does God help others, but never me?

**24**

And why doesn’t God comfort me after my dad passes? Why do I try so hard to be righteous, but feel so alone? I’ve memorised scriptures, I’ve written papers, I’ve prayed, but it has made no difference. I wonder if I can find comfort somewhere else. I wonder if sinful living is the path to choose. Yet, as I list vices, none of them appeal much to me. I go through Christian motions, but my heart drifts from the hope it once held. God makes no difference in my life. My belief in him isn’t what makes me a good person, so why believe in him?

**25**

I’ve given up, and yet, I am drawn back by missionaries who once again promise a relational God. They are patient with my questions, sure in their answers. I want to believe. I want to believe in the hope they offer. I want to believe there is goodness and reason in the messiness of life. I desire again for evidence of this being, count every song that pops into my head as a sign. Get baptised, the missionaries say. I do. I participate in community. I accept who I am, a little bit. For the first time say the words, I’m gay. I wonder why God still wants me to marry a man. His plans seem to work great for everyone else, but are they really what is best for me? Why can’t God have a personal plan for me?

**27**

I go on a mission to put off thoughts of marriage. I go on a mission longing to connect with the spiritual, to hear God’s voice, to heed his direction. I go on a mission hoping my commitment to serve God will earn me a personal experience with him. I go on a mission believing that God, who has so often remained silent in my life, will speak into the lives of others. I learn again to hide my sexuality, to fake spirituality, to assume my thoughts are from God. I learn how dark anxiety feels. I remember how lonely I can feel in the presence of people. I don’t give up. The weight of responsibility presses on my shoulders, but I push against it. I choose to be joyful, I find life in music. At times I journey with others, at times I fight alone. Does God ever take my side, or does he just watch from the sideline? Why, after all my effort, don’t I see miracles?

**30**

I love her. I intend just to be her friend, but I love her. More importantly, she loves me. I feel that love. We could just be friends, but I know what I want. It is not the voice of my Sunday school teacher, the voice of the camp speaker, the voice of the missionaries, nor that of any other religious leader. It is a voice from within me. Our love is tangible, and I want to give my whole self to this woman. Do I love her more than I love God, my bishop asks me. Yes, and I’ve felt her love in ways I’ve never felt the love of God. We have a very personal relationship. She cares about me and validates me in ways I only hoped God would. The choice is easy. I abandon the religion which makes me choose, and we marry. Does God rejoice with me?

**31**

We don’t hate God, and we don’t hate religion, so we choose to explore churches willing to accept our relationship. Something within me always draws me back to churches. It isn’t the music nor the sermons. It isn’t the theology which I spent years studying. As I search for God, I asked, can a community be God to me? Can a church be Jesus? I had sought tirelessly for a relationship with God, but had I missed the point when I overlooked human relationships? Perhaps to feel love from God was to feel love from people. My wife and I searched for such a community until we found a place where I can believe that God is love, because it is a community of love. A place where I can believe that God cares, because they care. A place where I can believe that God accepts me, because they accept me. So, I have found the love, compassion and acceptance of God, without any certainty that there is a divine being. Perhaps I could have found this earlier, but it wasn’t what I’d been looking for. Promises of magical intervention, lofty visions, had my eyes focused away from the Christlike love of others. How can I spread this love?