From Polarisation, Hate and Fear to Community, Joy and Hope: Thankful 1928

I was encouraged by my friend's example to show real life on social media. FB has often been accused of being a platform where people present their picture perfect lives, and others feel horrible because they cannot match up.
Not all the posts on FB are cheery. Recently I've noticed a lot of political posts, often written from a place of despair or anger. People are worried about the economy, they are fret about job security and powerful politicians. It has been easy for me to feel anxious, hopeless about my city and the economy and the future of human kindness and civilisation. 

Polarisation, hate, fear. 

Now for my real life moment. My wife and I went to a Christmas lights display at a golf course. We watched a sort of community form, of families and friends enjoying the lights. As we walked past the tobogganing hill, I heard genuine laughter. True, I don't know the challenges they face. Perhaps the man sliding down the hill with his toddler on him lap just lost his job. Perhaps the friends, each pulling a child on a sled, can't sleep at night, afraid of what the world will be when their children grow up. A couple holding hands. Perhaps they worry that they won't be able to pay their bills this month, so they decided not to put up their own lights. Each person there has struggles and challenges, but at that moment they chose to be happy. Regardless of political situations, economic slowdowns, uncertainties about the future, we can choose happiness. On a cold dark evening, light coaxed people out of their homes, rewarded them with joy and filled me with hope. If they find peace, perhaps I too can choose to enjoy life here, rather than running from the difficulties, dreaming of that stress free place that just doesn't exist. For this experience I am truly thankful.

Community, joy, hope.

Chocolate Ice Cream

This is a story from when I was three.  It is accurate according to my memory which may not be accurate at all.

It was a bright sunny day.  My sisters and I and two of our friends were playing house in my back yard.  I had to get the “food” which was leaves from our May Day tree.  Against the fence ran a bench.  I stood upon it, leaned against the fence for balance and reached up to pluck the leaves. 

An angry swarm of wasps came rushing out from the other side of the fence.  Apparently they didn’t like having their nest disturbed.  I panicked, screamed swung my arms wildly. 

“Stay calm,” my nanny Gail yelled as she came rushing out of the house.  “Don’t swat them, it will only aggravate them.”

My arms couldn’t stay still, but my feet couldn’t move.  Gail picked me up off the bench and rushed me into the house.  There we assessed the damage.

I was three years old and had been bitten three times: once on my arm, once on my lip and once on my pinkie.

Gail lectured me about how one ought to behave around wasps as she held me and comforted me.

“Did you swat one away,” she asked.  “Is that why it bit your pinkie?”

“No,” I lied.

I was afraid to go back outside.  The following night after dark my father and my sister took a spray and went to kill the wasps.  It was past my bed time, but my other sister and I sat nervously by the window.  We ate chocolate ice cream and feared for their lives, at least I did.  I was terrified that they’d get bitten just as I had.  The fear made me feel sick to the stomach.  Yet, they went willingly, to ensure my safety, and for that they were my heroes.  When they came back unharmed I was filled with relief.  Only then could I go to bed in peace.

On Things That Scare Me after Dark

I awoke to scuttling, scratching, gnawing sounds.  A mouse was in my room.  Immediately I thought defensively.  I tried to clap, to scare it away, but my hands were slow to move and the sound they produced was muffled by the covers.  The mouse continued his racket making.  The noise came from the foot of my bed.  I could only imagine that he was trying to make his way up there, turn into a monster mouse and attack me.  Or at least bite me and give me a deadly disease, rabies or something.  I started banging my feet against the bed, stomping, as it were, under the covers.  Surely that sound, and the movement  would frighten him away.  The mouse, however, continued unfazed. The monster mouse would be frightened by nothing.  I’ve never before been woken by a mouse, and yet the noise was vaguely familiar.  Since my best efforts to scare it away hadn’t worked, I stopped for a moment and listened.  Its scuttling was like fluttering, the scratching and gnawing like the taping of a trapped insect against glass, like a moth or a fly, exactly like a moth or a fly. And I, I have my roommate Charity to deal with problems like that.  I listened to the noise for less than a minute more, and then a reassuring quiet filled our room.  The creature lay caught in Charity’s web.

Puddle

The day is warm, but still very wet.  The melted snow has yet to find its way down a drain and into the river.  The sidewalk is mostly clear as I stroll home, but I watch my step.  A makeshift stream flows down the hill, first on one side of the sidewalk, and then the other.  I step over the water with ease.  As I continue along, the path flattens out, and I have only the occasional puddle to step around.  I carry on.  Suddenly I’m confronted with a puddle of a monstrous size.  It stretches across two or three sidewalk squares and is at least 5 centimeters deep.  The murky water stands in my way.  I freeze.  I contemplate going further; I want to go further; if I am ever going to get home, I have to go further!  But I can’t; I’m stuck.  I think about turning around, backing away, or calling a friend to ask for a ride home.  I can’t call a friend.  They’d laugh at my problem and say it’s small.  Besides, who would I call?  My problem isn’t small.  It looms over me, unconquerable.  I have to get home.  I can’t.  I can’t get home.  I’m never going to make it there.  I’m trapped.  My vision blurs.  I feel a tear sliding down my cheek.  I bite my tongue and blink away the tears.  There has to be away, I tell myself.  But, I cannot see the way.  I cannot see past the puddle that forbids my progression.  I’m ready to give up.  I sit down and wait for the puddle to dry up.  It might take days and I am helpless.  A sudden wind comes upon me, causing me to shudder.  I can’t stay here.  I can’t wait for things to change.  I have to do something.  Tears are sliding down my cheek again.  They’ll only make the puddle bigger.  I have to do something.  I stand up in search for another way around.  On either side of the puddle, the grass is saturated with water, marshland.  Walking there would be no better than walking through the puddle itself.  I look up at the sun, feel its warmth against my face and push aside the discouragement that keeps creeping into my mind.  When I look back down at the water, I see my reflection looking up at me.  She’s pathetic.  Her eyes red from tears, her hand clutching her phone, hoping that someone will call and help her along, or at least listen to her complaint.  “I’m here,” I tell my reflection.

“I can’t do this.”

“Come on.  We’ll do this together.”

I look again along the banks of the puddle.  A short distance to the right lays a strip of packed snow that I hadn’t noticed before.  If I can get there, I can follow it to the other side.  It’s not much of a leap, but I’ll have to jump.  I look around once more, but I have no other option.  I focus on the snow, bend my knees and then I’m in the air.  When I land, I left out a sigh of relief.  I follow the slippery island to its other end, and with one large step I am back of solid ground.  I glance at the puddle splotched sidewalk before me, hold my head high and carry on home.

Is that really so?

I have been trying to wrap my head around what is true, and have found myself in a place where I do not know anything. I start praying out of habit, but then questioning if there is even a God. The thing is I want to believe in God, and in Christ, that causes me no problem. The problem is that I have no way of knowing if they are real. I want my beliefs to accurately reflect reality, but I don't know how to make that so.
When I think about Monks through ages, they spent their whole lives trying to know God, and yet they all had different ideas about certain things. I have been reading Thomas A. Kempt (The Imitation of Christ) and I think that he is wrong about things. Namely that he seems to think that he must work a lot to be able to go to heaven and he feels no security in what Christ has already done. Who am I to say that he is wrong? If he could be wrong about something, then I could be wrong about something. I am sure that I am wrong in some of my beliefs, but then I fear, what if I am wrong about some of the major things I believe. What if there is no God. How can I know?
My life is centred around my faith in Jesus. My reasons for everything I do rest on my faith in God. I would be lost without my beliefs. I am lost. Even my thoughts of trying to work this week are rather foggy as my perception of God is foggy.
A lot of people have a lot of strong believes in a lot of different things, and someone who thinks differently than me isn’t stupid, unlearned or evil. They might even be right, just as I might be right.
I have no reason to doubt that God exists. I have no evidence against Christ, but I am sure that I must believe many wrong things, because there are so many different beliefs out there and I am not always right. The question then is which of my beliefs reflect reality, and which ones should just be thrown out?

Over the weekend I went to Jasper with my parents, both of my sister's and their husbands. It was a last minute family trip. We went on 3 hikes, all of which I had done as a kid with my dad. I am thankful for those father daughter camping trips I went on with my dad where we would hike, camp, and when I got older, backpack. Those are some of the times when I really bonded with my dad. We hike up the mountain Cavity, which was far more of a scramble than a walk in the park. I thought my dad was a little crazy for taking me up there when I was 6, but I still have a scar on my knee from that first trip. The hike up Cavity yesterday was dangerous. It was windy, and rainy, so the rocks were slippery. Looking from above, I watched my dad try to navigate an alternate route which only left him stranded on a rock wall. I hoped he would not fall.
My dad and I did a lot of scrambling, For a couple years we hiked into a campground called waterfall where two waterfalls met. One year we scrambled up beside the one waterfall, and the next year up climbed up the other waterfall. I think it was the first year when my dad and I had climbed different routes up a cliff. From the top I got out the camera and took a picture of him. "Good thing you took that picture" he had told me later "The rock I was holding was loose. That might have been the last picture you ever got of me." I shuddered, not liking my dad to talk like that.
The next year we climbed up the other waterfall. we came across some large rock piles let by glaciers. (I think they have a fancy name, but I don't know what it is now). We walked a couple of Kms to the far side of one, and on that end it was gently sloped. we walked up it with no problem and started heading back along the top. The problem came when we had to get off of the pile. The sides around us were a steep collection of large and small rocks. Everything was loose. My brave dad started down on his feet, but it wasn't long before he lost his balance and tumbled down the mountain. I thought he might die, but he was okay. I sat atop of the rock for a long time, terrified of going down. I thought about the song that said "your love is a mountain, firm beneath my feet", and wished that this mountain was at all firm. Eventually I made my way down.
We took a lot of pictures this weekend. And I thought about the time my dad had said that it was good I had taken the picture because it might have been the last. We found out a week before our trip to Jasper that my dad's cancer has come back, and with a vengeance. He seems healthy, but the tumors are beyond operable, and treatment can only delay the inevitable. He's made a bucket list, and on there was a trip to Jasper. Jasper is an important place for him. Take a Picture of dad on the mountain, this might be the last mountain he climbs. Take a picture of all of us together, who knows if we will all be together again. Take a picture of dad skipping rocks. Who knows if he will be out at a lake again. Take a picture of dad and his daughters because soon they won't have a father. Take a picture, it might be the last chance.

So, now I am feeling pretty hopeless and kinda depressed. I don't feel like doing anything, but I think the more I do, the better it is for me. I am feeling rather busy with school and work amongst many other things, and I can't do everything. Hopefully someday I will learn how to balance it all, but first I feel like I might crash.

a baker dozen of lessons

I have been thinking about posting for a while. I have been learning a lot recently, but I am not exactly sure how to put it into words.
1) I have been learning that Jesus is Lord. When I look around at the mess in this world it is hard to believe that God is in control. But Jesus is Lord! He knows what he is doing. I don’t get it.
2) God has wrath. That is not something I enjoy thinking about, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t true. God is love. And like a lover, when he sees those he loves getting hurt, he gets angry.
3) But, he also doesn’t want to be angry at anyone, but to have peace with everyone
4) I am afraid to offend others by my opinions. I am afraid that my opinion will be wrong or foolish or something. I was driving with my sister and brother-in-law for 7 hours through the prairies, so we had to do something to pass the time. We started talking about baby names (though my sister is far from pregnant) and every time I had a different opinion about a name than they did, I kept it to myself. I did not feel free to disagree. I did not want to offend them or hurt them in any way, or be wrong for liking a name that they did not.
5) I like food too much. That is not the problem. I think the problem is that I like to eat too much, but I forget to be thankful. Gluttony leads to ungratefulness. I am there, but I don’t want to be there, but I am not sure what to do about that.
6) I am proud, and when I decide (for whatever reason) that I think I am better than someone then I think I cannot learn from them. That is a lie.
7) Up to this point in my life, personal development has been forced upon me. It is time I take responsibility for myself. The things I have yet to learn are: WHO do I want to be in five years, and what and I going to do to get there?
8) “I am not the girl I used to be, I am not yet who I will become” Suzy Welsh
9) I am unhealthily independent. While I think that we are created for community, I do not live that out, nor know what it would look like if I did. I am afraid to ask people to help me because I reckon that they do not want to help me. Maybe they are busy, or they just don’t care. Whatever it is I feel the responsibility to do everything on my own. I am learning that sometimes people want to help me.
10) My independence and self-reliance probably is at the root of my doubts that God will help me if I ask him. My independence roots from my childhood, they ways my parents forced me to be independent and the times my sister responded to me as if she did not care.
11) God is good. He is good to me. He is at work in this world. I have seen this and I cannot deny it. He has healed my dad! But sometimes I still doubt. I still lack faith.
12) God will punish the self-satisfied... is that me?
13) I am going to be learning for the rest of my life! When I was in high school I thought I knew everything. Then I realised that I do not know everything. I started trying to answer my new found questions so that I could get back to the place of knowing everything. I thought I’d better figure it all out pretty quickly. BUT I don’t have to get it all figured out pretty quickly. I will always be learning! Hooray! I have lots to learn, and some things I will probably have to learn yet again. But I am on my way. I am learning, and I will continue to learn all the more!

I got a secret... I am afraid that if you know me you will not love me.

Ever since my last post I have been realising that I am afraid to be all that honest, about who I am, on this blog spot. I am afraid that then I will not be loved or accepted. Well, I hope that is not true, and I reckon I need not have that fear. If I am honest about who I am, and people do not like that then at least they are choosing not to like me for me and not some fake me. I am sure not everyone is going to like me, but that shouldn’t stop me from being myself. With that being said... who am I? How would I describe myself?
I don’t know.
But I know what’s important to me.
-Jesus
-People
-Living intentionally
-Living communally
-Living missionally
-Glimpses of that which is beyond my comprehension
-Sleeping as much as possible
-Creating
-Being active
-Eating tasty food
-The Bible
-Embracing diversity
-Living ethically
-Profound thoughts and deep conversation
-Rest
-The Earth
Well, I am sure that there are more things, but that is all that have come to my mind right now. I bothers me a little how we often define others by their occupation. I remember the point being made that we are human beings, and not human doings. Who am I? Recently I have felt rather young and childish. My desire is to shrink from all responsibilities. I long to be carefree. Unfortunately I have been rather busy. I am a people pleaser. I just want everyone to be happy. I am rebellious. I have never been fond of authority, yet I am afraid of them, and still a people pleaser. I challenge the status-quo.

I Got a Secret... I am Afraid

-I am afraid of dogs, of being bitten, chased and being chased and then bitten (or being bitten and then chased)
-I am afraid of failure, of giving my, trying hard with no results – so I am afraid of of trying, because then I might fail and have no excuse
-I am afraid of living some boring mediocre life because I am afraid to do what God has called me to do.
-I am afraid of being wrong
-I am afraid of so passionately living my dream and making a youth hang out place, and then have no one come
-I am afraid of being rich, of having too much and not wisely spending it
-I am afraid of misrepresenting God
-I am afraid of being open, especially with my passion, because what if others just don’t understand
-I am afraid of being corrected, but I am learning it can be okay
-I am afraid of planning, or being to certain about something, and then having those plans fall through
-I am afraid of not being loved, and being alone, having no one who will understand my passion, no one to encourage me. I am afraid of being the only one who cares about God’s word and the only one with passion for it. I am afraid of not having anyone with whom to share my story, my stories and myself.
-I am afraid of being insignificant
-I am afraid of only talking and never doing, and I am afraid of writing so much that I forget how to be open in real words.
-I am afraid of becoming self reliant and too often forgetting to pray.
-I am afraid of asking for too much, and taking to much, and not giving enough
-I am afraid I will misspend my money and misuse my time
-I am afraid of loosing hope
-I am afraid of being content with my Christian life, afraid I will not continue to want to know God more, and not want to pray more
-I am afraid of commitment
-I am afraid I will learn all about God without ever knowing him personally
-I am afraid of falling in love with this world
-I am afraid no one shares my values
-I am afraid I have failed
-I am afraid to share the Gospel, and more so afraid I will not share it
-I am afraid none of this is real, that my words are fake and my faith is incomplete
-I am afraid of meaningless talk and deep conversation
-I am afraid I talk too much when it doesn’t mater, and not enough when it does.
-I am afraid I am too afraid to accomplish anything
-I am afraid to drive
-I am afraid of other’s disappointment
-I am afraid to bring bad news
-I am afraid of awkward conversations
-I am afraid that my uncoolness will keep me from accomplishing anything, afraid that I rely too much on weather or not I think people like me to actually just do what I got to do. I am afraid I am too worried about what others think of me
-I am afraid of being hated
-I am afraid I am incapable of doing what I dream
-I am afraid my dream is foolish and not what God wants, but I also fear thinking that if it is not true.
-I am afraid I am too easily convinced
-I am afraid of not following my words with actions
-I am afraid I don’t pray enough
-I am afraid God won’t answer my prayers
-I am afraid of being too prideful
-I am afraid of ridicule
-I am afraid of being relied on