“Just bee yourself.” I think that is from some Disney movie.
I feel a certain amount of pressure to be myself around people, especially around those who know me. Society teaches that we should be true to ourselves. I think the whole of elementary curriculum these days is based around that. I feel like I keep being told that I should be open with my friends, especially those with whom I am closest. I had this fear today. What if the real me isn’t beautiful. What if no one would like the real me? The real me is selfish and depressed. Would anyone want to hang out with such a person? The real me wants to be the centre of attention. The real me will talk and talk, and you won’t find her very interesting. What if the real me is ugly. The real me is lazy. The real me is unkind. The real me is hurting, and quick to hurt others. The real me wants you around when I want someone around, and wants you to get out of my face when I want to be alone. The real me wants to curl up in a ball and cry, and if you won’t say a word or ask any questions I might let you come and put your arm around me, or I might get up and run away. The real me is unpredictable. What if no one wants to be friends with the real me? It almost seems wrong to be the real me around other people. I think it would be unfair to them. I fear that people wouldn’t know how to respond to the real me. I don’t know that the world is yet ready for the real me, or maybe the real me is not yet ready for the world. The real me has some learning, maturing and growing to do.
But I am tired of being fake.
“How are you?”
But I am not good. My insides are all hurting, but does anyone really care? Does anyone have time to care? Maybe first I’ll try to learn to be honest with myself, and then I’ll try to be honest with God. After that I’ll have to decide if it is worth it to be honest with the world.
The real me is ugly, but the real me is longing for friendship. The real me is desperate for attention. The real me yearns for comfort and the real me is tired of hiding. The thing is that I like having friends. It is so much easier just to say that I am "good".