I've been kinda sad recently. I miss my daddy. I have also been exhausted. In the midst of my exhaustion I've been longing for comfort. I want to be comforted. I have a couple of thoughts about that. The first one is that I do not know what it would look like for me to receive comfort from someone. I can think only of two times when I have really received comfort from people. One was a long hug from a friend after I shared that my dad had died. (I did get a few other good hugs around that time too.) The other was was a hug when I was 14 or 15 and at camp. I started crying one night as I was in bed and someone heard me and came over and held me and let me cry. When I was a kid, if I got hurt I'd want to go be alone. I remember crying into my bed, or into my stuffed toys, but not in the arms or others, and rarely in front of people.
For most of my life I have been looking for attention. For a long time that was my greatest emotional need. I think right now that need has shifted. I want to be comforted. I don't know what that would look like. I don't know if I am ready to be sad in front of others, or shed tears or let them know that I need comfort.
I don't really know what it is to be attracted to someone. even less do I understand what it is to be turned on by someone. At camp I found myself somewhat checking people out, but I wasn't really checking them out. My concern was with one thing, will they comfort me?
When it comes to attention, I've learned that people will always disappoint me. They cannot be around all the time. They will not constantly be ready to listen to the stories of my life. I think I need to learn that just as God can give me all the attention that I need, he too can give me the comfort that I need. I don't know what it looks like to receive comfort from people. I certainly don't know what it looks like to receive comfort from God.