Shameless Self-Promotion

Let me sleep a little longer.

Augustine of Hippo contemplated “what evil is there not in me and my deeds; or if not in my deeds, my word; or if not in my words, my will”.  While my deeds and my words may not obviously display evil, the evil within me is not without its vices.  I have stopped my “race of virtue [which] marks the beginning of the race of evil” (Gregory of Nyssa).  The former is a marathon (not merely the race, but all the training involved); the latter a walk in the park.

In my class we discussed the word spirituality.  I have held onto the idea that spirituality is made up of divine experiences that stimulate our emotions and leave us changed.  Not only did this concept of spirituality feel very foreign to me, but it also felt like something which I was unable to obtain.  If I could not make God show up, and I couldn’t, then I could not be spiritual.  When the definition shifted to be “theology lived,” suddenly the onus was on me.  I haven’t been living my theology.  I have not been racing towards virtue, but rather I’ve fallen away “from the perfection which is attainable” (Gregory of Nyssa).  I know many of the things I could, and should do, but I have no desire to participate in these things.  Gregory of Nyssa suggests that “those who know what is good by nature desire participation in it”.  Do I believe that God is good?  Do I see the value of reading my Bible?  Do I credit any merit to prayer?  Maybe not.  Reluctantly I sat through chapel on Wednesday.  I wanted to leave.  I wanted to escape.  Recently my escape has been story writing.  I wasn’t feeling close to God, and I knew that story writing wasn’t helping me feel any closer to him, but sitting in chapel wasn’t helping either.   I know it is not all about feelings, so I started to wonder how my beliefs would act themselves out at that moment.  I couldn’t justify writing.  I couldn’t justify running.  I reckoned that if I truly believed in community that I would stay around and be open with people.  If I believed that through others God works, then maybe I could find healing.  Chapel ended.

As I walked down the hall someone approached me

“Hey Patricia, how are you?”  She asked.

“I’m okay.”  I wasn’t okay. “How are you?”

“I’m good,” and with that we parted ways.  So much for living authentically.  So much for living my theology.

Reading the works of Basil the Great reinforces my theology of community.  I cannot go through life alone for we “require the help of one another”.  So frequently, however, I am unwilling to accept that help.  I am selfish, not seeing my gifts as “common possessions” of the community.  I also do not see the gifts of other in this way.  I feel bad being a burden to anyone.  While I may be willing to help someone carry their burden (as long as it is not too heavy and the journey not too far), I carry mine alone.

I do not know why I fear community when it is a gift from God.

I do not know why I escape to story writing when Christ alone is my refuge.

I do not know why I look to the blogosphere to fill my desires when I know that “the longing for Jesus is always underneath our every desire” (Michael Yaconelli, Messy Spirituality).

Though my brain is stuffed with knowledge I am not a spiritual being.  Over and over I fail to live my theology.  I do not know why.  With Augustine I ask “why [do] I find so much delight in doing this”?  When I believe that God is the “true and highest Sweetness”, “by what passion, then, [am] I animated” to do evil?  How easy it is to say that I will suffer with my Lord, but when the suffering is not glorious, when it is simply denying myself of my cravings, how quickly I am to give way.  While I have spoken now mostly of my deeds, often it is my evil will which threatens my theology.  My rebellious desires seek “nothing from the shameful deed but shame itself”.  How harsh are Augustine’s words, and yet how deeply they struck me as true.  “My sole gratification” is in the thought of “my own sin” and there is not much holding my back.   With Augustine I want to say to God “Presently; see, presently.  Leave me alone for a little while” and then I want to fall back into a deep sleep, and not walk up until the interesting dream is over and my responsibilities are left undone for so long that I cannot go back and do them.  Though I want to give myself fully to God eventually, I am “bound by the iron chain of my own will”. My current desires will only make this chain stronger, rather than fight against it.  Maybe I don’t live my theology because I don’t really believe it.  I know the right things to believe.  It is easy to say that God is love, but hard to live in such a way that would proclaim I believed it.  Who is this “sweeter than all pleasure” and how can I know him if not through my “flesh and blood”?

The Compound

I stole some ideas from my friend, and from a dream he had, and then I wrote this short story.  Enjoy:

The concrete walls were high and unyielding as if they were trying to keep people out, so I was surprised when I met two friendly men in white shirts with orange ties.  They looked to be barely 20, yet they were clean shaven, and presented themselves in such a way that I would have thought them to be much older.

With warmth in his eyes, the shorter one stepped forward and shook my hand “Hello and welcome.” He said with enthusiasm that could make one think we were newly acquainted long lost friends.  I was taken aback, intrigued.  I listened intently as he went on. “We are Recruiters for The Family of Purity.  I am Advisor Johnson and this is Advisor Peterson.”  With that introduction, the taller man stepped forward and shook my hand.  I wondered at what these young men, barely older than me, had accomplished to become Advisors.  I wondered what The Family of Purity really was, and if could I become part of it?

I was shocked when Advisor Peterson offered me a tour of looming compound that stood behind him.  Eagerly I took him up on the offer.  They unlocked the heavy doors to let me in.  There I saw a multitude.  Men, woman and children, all dressed alike in orange jumpsuits.  All seemingly with a task at hand, yet they stopped to greet me with a welcoming handshake and a smile.  Momentarily I noticed that I stood out.  Dressed casually in a t-shirt and shorts, it was obvious that I was not one of The Family.  I observed their interactions with each other.  Like a family they called each other by their names, or simply just brother, or sister or father. 

As I was taking this all in, and shaking the hands of those who approached me, the loneliness and emptiness of my life hit me.  Before me was family, a chance to belong and find meaning in my life.  I wondered what they would require of me, but I was willing to give almost anything.

Advisor Johnson broke into my thoughts.  “The Family of Purity exists so the all men might find happiness on this earth, and in the life to come.”  His words were a melody to my ear.  His song continued when he added “We believe that you can be happy, like the people here, if you follow simple commandments.  It is our hope that you give yourself to The Compound, because only in this Family can you find joy.”

“How can I do that?”  I shook with anticipation.

“I have The Pamphlet which you can read, and I trust as you read it that you will feel the goodness of The Compound and long to be part of it.”  As he said this he pulled a 24 page mini-book out of his pocket and handed it to me.  I was taken out of the moment as I lost myself inside the pages.  He was right.  This had to be good.  How could something with so much unity, with so much love, be anything but good?

When I was finishing the second page Advisor Peterson interrupted my thoughts.  “You’ll have plenty of time to study The Pamphlet later.  For now, come, let us show you further into the compound.”

I was torn.  I desired to continue to read the words of The Pamphlet, the words of life, but I also wanted to see more of the compound.  Slowly I found the strength to but The Pamphlet away and give the Recruiters my full attention.

I followed them in awe as I took in my surrounding.  The bright orange jumpsuits stood out against the muted walls.  As we walked towards the centre of the compound, we passed through a hallway.  On either side the grey walls were lined with men and woman in jumpsuits.  Their arms and legs were chained, bolted into the walls.

“This is a beautiful sight” Advisor Johnson said confidently to me, but I didn’t see the beauty.  These humans were chained; they were trapped.  How could anyone think the suppression of another was a beautiful thing?  Then I looked upon their faces.  They didn’t look miserable.  In fact, they were smiling, even laughing at times.  Advisor Johnson continued, “These men and women know about the evils of society, and have chosen to stay away from anything evil.  They are so committed to The Family that they are willing to give their life.  They have no desire to break free from the chains that entangle them.”

I wouldn’t have been able to believe The Advisor if I hadn’t seen the faces of The Family Members.  When I looked at the glitter in their eyes and the smile on their faces I knew that they would have it no other way.  We passed into the core of The Compound.  Here, both men and woman were in cells.  They looked out from between the bars as we passed through.  There was a solemn air about the place, and we spoke not a word as we hurried through.  Once out on the other side, Advisor Peterson explained what I had just seen.

“Those are the weakest Members of our Family.  Though they desire purity, if allowed any freedom, they fail to obtain it.  Still we love them, so we do all we can to enable them to live the purity they desire.  Inside the cells they face no temptation.  They are safe from the dangers of this world and the dangers of one’s self.” 

“This really is a family” I said amazed at how much they cared for each other.

“”Yes,” replied Advisor Johnson, “And it is a family of which we invite you to be a part.”

“What must I do?” I inquired eagerly.

“We invite you to prepare yourself to be born into the Family of Purity as soon as possible.”

“And how do I prepare?”  I was ready to do anything.

“You must show yourself that you are committed to The Plan of Purity.”  Advisor Peterson counselled “for the next week you must live to the standards of purity as are outlined in The Pamphlet.  Come with us, we will show you what we have in place to help you.”

We walked towards the exit of The Compound.  I noticed for the first time, armed guards standing at the doorway.  They were not concerning themselves with the people walking into The Compound.  They were watching those inside, and I wondered if they’d let us leave.  One of the guards took a step towards me.  I froze in terror momentarily until I saw the large smile on his face.  He offered me a handshake and introduced himself.  I walked into the blazing sun with The Recruiters.  I hadn’t remembered the sun being so hot that morning.

Along the outside of building there stretched an iron rod.  I hadn’t noticed it on my way in.  Advisor Peterson pulled out handcuffs from his pocket.

“What’s this about?” I asked.

“We want to help you to stay committed to The Plan of Purity.  We invite you to handcuff yourself to this rod so that you do not give into any temptations and, in so doing, forsake purity.  We hope that in a week’s time when we come back that we find you pure and ready to be born into our Family”

I took the cuffs and sighed deeply.  Slowly, but deliberately I attached one of the cuffs to the rod and the other to my wrist. 

“I believe you,” I told the recruiters as they went on their way.

“And we believe in you.” They replied.

Then I pulled out The Pamphlet, excited and ready to learn about The Family of Purity.

Dream Big

someday i wanna skateboard somewhere, far away, thats my dream, what is your dream, like a dream for life, my other one, is to set up a hangout place for teens in calgary, but recently it is to skatebaord, to like canmore or something,4 hours drive, but forever on a board. what else. i am writting a story, it is taking a while, but i am at a point where i need to make up some background, and am not sure how exactly what it will be. stories, they are fun to write. What do you think about when you ride horses, cause when i ride horses i think about not falling off, and hoping the horse will keep moving, and not run into a tree. but that might just be me. how long would it take, to skateboard to reddeer?? that i think i wanna find out, my problem is i have no time to do my massive skateboard trip, cause i got school, and i cant much go in the winter, i was thinking spring break, but it still might be too cold, i was thinkingnext summer, but then i wanna work at my camp as a cook. i think that dreams are looked down apone, never taken seriously, i heard this kid talking, i think t his mom, about how he wanted to be in the NHL, but the kid said 'that's a silly dream" cause that is what he had always been told, but his mom told him it was not silly, it would take lots of work, but he could do it. that made me happy, cause i dont think enough poeple believe in others dreams andhow, random rant from patricia...

i wrote that al loooong time ago, highschool? before i had my longboard gr 12 id say, and now, i wanna hand out the metro
"goodmorning, would you like a metro?" "please recycle"