79-117 (Still Thankful)

1. I am thankful to watch the sunrise as I walk to the train. 
2. I am thankful for interesting dreams. They give me something to think about when I wake up. 
3. I am thankful for frosty winter days. 
4. I am thankful that M was so happy to see my and crawled straight for me. 
5. I am grateful I could read stories to J. 
6. I'm grateful that I finished my course outlines. 
7. I am thankful for online assessment tools. 
8. I am thankful for online quizzes. 
9. I am thankful for my counsellor. 
10. I am thankful that she is excited for me that SJ is coming. 
11. I am thankful my friends can confide in me.
12. I am thankful for a 6 hour video chat with SJ. 
13. I am thankful for food, and for being able to eat a variety of food. 
14. I am thankful for Chris Hadfield. I appreciate his music, his videos and that he is Canadian. 
15. I am thankful for bed time when the kids go to sleep and the house is quiet. 
16. I am thankful for hard but good talks with my sister. 
17. I am thankful for snow. 
18. I am thankful that I had the energy to shovel snow. 
19. I am thankful for institute class. 
20. I am thankful for the Book of Mormon. I am thankful that it has helped me to connect with Jesus Christ. 
21. I am thankful for the love and mercy of God. 
22. I am thankful for my PCN
23. I am thankful for the C-train and that it get me to work on time every day. 
24. I am thankful for beautiful mornings. 
25. I am thankful for heated train stations. 
    
26. I am thankful for all who work hard at the temple to enable it to function. 
27. I am thankful for those who make the temple a priority. 
28. I am thankful for the work ethic of others, which inspires me. 
29. I am thankful I can connect with free wifi in many places in Calgary. 
30. I am thankful for the frozen meals which are in my freezer. 
31. I am thankful that SJ is amazingly humble. 
32. I am thankful for SJ's openness to advice. 
33. I am thankful I could go on a walk with K. 
34. I am grateful for dreams. 
35. I am grateful for Bro. Y.  I am grateful for his compassion and understanding. 
36. I am grateful for the moments when I feel hungry. That might sound strange, but it is a pretty rare occurrence for me, and eating is more enjoyable when I am hungry. 
37. I am grateful I was able to answer the phone in the temple. It helped me feel peace while doing an activity which usually makes me nervous. 
38. I am grateful the elders are willing to do temple work on behalf of my deceased relatives. 
39. I am grateful for the opportunity, ability and motivation granted to me to research my family history. 

The Living Christ: The Testimony of the Apostles The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

As we commemorate the birth of Jesus Christ two millennia ago, we offer our testimony of the reality of His matchless life and the infinite virtue of His great atoning sacrifice. None other has had so profound an influence upon all who have lived and will yet live upon the earth.

He was the Great Jehovah of the Old Testament, the Messiah of the New. Under the direction of His Father, He was the creator of the earth. “All things were made by him; and without him was not any thing made that was made” (John 1:3). Though sinless, He was baptized to fulfill all righteousness. He “went about doing good” (Acts 10:38), yet was despised for it. His gospel was a message of peace and goodwill. He entreated all to follow His example. He walked the roads of Palestine, healing the sick, causing the blind to see, and raising the dead. He taught the truths of eternity, the reality of our premortal existence, the purpose of our life on earth, and the potential for the sons and daughters of God in the life to come.

He instituted the sacrament as a reminder of His great atoning sacrifice. He was arrested and condemned on spurious charges, convicted to satisfy a mob, and sentenced to die on Calvary’s cross. He gave His life to atone for the sins of all mankind. His was a great vicarious gift in behalf of all who would ever live upon the earth.

We solemnly testify that His life, which is central to all human history, neither began in Bethlehem nor concluded on Calvary. He was the Firstborn of the Father, the Only Begotten Son in the flesh, the Redeemer of the world.

He rose from the grave to “become the firstfruits of them that slept” (1 Cor. 15:20). As Risen Lord, He visited among those He had loved in life. He also ministered among His “other sheep” (John 10:16) in ancient America. In the modern world, He and His Father appeared to the boy Joseph Smith, ushering in the long-promised “dispensation of the fulness of times” (Eph. 1:10).

Of the Living Christ, the Prophet Joseph wrote: “His eyes were as a flame of fire; the hair of his head was white like the pure snow; his countenance shone above the brightness of the sun; and his voice was as the sound of the rushing of great waters, even the voice of Jehovah, saying:

“I am the first and the last; I am he who liveth, I am he who was slain; I am your advocate with the Father” (D&C 110:3–4).

Of Him the Prophet also declared: “And now, after the many testimonies which have been given of him, this is the testimony, last of all, which we give of him: That he lives!

“For we saw him, even on the right hand of God; and we heard the voice bearing record that he is the Only Begotten of the Father—

“That by him, and through him, and of him, the worlds are and were created, and the inhabitants thereof are begotten sons and daughters unto God” (D&C 76:22–24).

We declare in words of solemnity that His priesthood and His Church have been restored upon the earth—“built upon the foundation of … apostles and prophets, Jesus Christ himself being the chief corner stone” (Eph. 2:20).

We testify that He will someday return to earth. “And the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together” (Isa. 40:5). He will rule as King of Kings and reign as Lord of Lords, and every knee shall bend and every tongue shall speak in worship before Him. Each of us will stand to be judged of Him according to our works and the desires of our hearts.

We bear testimony, as His duly ordained Apostles—that Jesus is the Living Christ, the immortal Son of God. He is the great King Immanuel, who stands today on the right hand of His Father. He is the light, the life, and the hope of the world. His way is the path that leads to happiness in this life and eternal life in the world to come. God be thanked for the matchless gift of His divine Son.

https://www.lds.org/ensign/2000/04/the-living-christ-the-testimony-of-the-apostles-the-church-of-jesus-christ-of-latter-day-saints?lang=eng

Death or Life

The blogpost I read yesterday left me feeling pretty hopeless.

What I took away from it was that the only way to find happiness in this life is to hope for, seek for and hopefully find, a romantic partner, where both partners feel strong romantic feelings for the other. One idea that was strongly presented was that denying oneself of the pursuit of a romantic relationship resulted in dying, in becoming more and more anxious and depressed and far too often in suicide. While he did not quote any sources, he spoke with one having authority, and I cannot deny his struggle nor the struggles of so many like us.

Am I depressed because I don’t seek for a girlfriend, because I don’t allow myself to hope for a romantic relationship with someone I could love?

Is there no other way to be happy but to search for a romantic partner?

Even if I take anti-depressants, if I exercise and socialise, am I fighting a losing battle? Is the battle to become a happy, faithful Latter-day saint one that I can never win?

Am I dying? Am I killing myself slowly by denying myself of an intimate relationship with a woman?

With these heavy questions playing through my mind, I got to bed late, only to wake up early to head to the temple. While the temple has motivated me to stay faithful before, I wondered if it is really worth it. I go to the temple regularly, I enjoy my time there, but it hasn’t brought lasting peace into my day to day life, it hasn’t made me happy. It hasn’t taken my depression away. I am still dying on the inside.

Before the session began, I found myself focused on a picture I had never noticed before. It is a picture of Jesus Christ standing on a hill outside of a city. I wasn’t sure if it was depicting a specific story. What I did notice, however, was the light radiating from the character of Christ. I was reminded of my institute class from yesterday. “I am the light and the life,” Jesus said.

It struck me, Jesus Christ is my source of life. No potential lover can take his place. While I believe that (and I also believe looking for such life from humans will lead to disappointment), I also believe there is value, a lot of value and a lot of good that comes from human interaction and human intimacy. It isn’t good for Patricia to be alone.

As usual, I struggled to stay away during the session. Suddenly, a phrase hit me, jolting me awake, having me wish I could rewind and listen again. It was a phrase reminding me of a covenant I made with God, a covenant I made to sacrifice, to sacrifice, if necessary, even my life. If the aforementioned blogger is right, if foregoing any hope of a lesbian lover causes me to die inside, even death is not a reason to forsake my covenants, for dying is what I have covenanted to do.

I didn’t get any warm-fuzzies, while I was in the temple, telling me that my life would be easy and happy, but I was reminded that I do have hope. I hope for that which God has planned for me, I hope that his plan is greater than my plan. I hope, indeed, I have faith that what he offers is greater than the joys I could find in a romantic relationship. I don’t know what God envisions for my life, but I know his vision is greater than mine and so I have hope.

I hope that hope is enough to keep me going and to keep me living. Not just to keep me physically alive, but to keep me alive, and thriving, inside.

Shadow

My institute teacher shared about how we can be a shadow of Christ. Our image, that is our acts, character and countenance can point others to Jesus Christ. As I was in the temple, I was considering how keeping my covenants can help others come to Christ. Afterwards, I took some pictures, not really wanting to leave. As I got in my car, I noticed the couple in the vehicle beside mine were saying a prayer together. Their action was a shadow of Christ, a reminder of who he was, and who he wanted me to be. They inspired me to pause and pray.