As I have been unpacking my belongings, I have found all sorts. Notebooks filled with stories, a bag full of dreadlocks, clothing I forgot about, a box of photos I have yet to look through, and three hockey pucks (but I have yet to locate my skates). among all of this I have also found reminders of who I used to be and what used to be important to me, bits of my past with which I can no longer identify. Though I know this, I do not want to let go. I am great at trying to justify my reasoning. After all, isn’t having my selves lined with books that speak agains my beliefs evidence as to how strong my faith really is? After all, I still do think that closets are for clothes.
Those are the two categories of belongings onto which I am holding. Many of the books which speak against the Church i have never even read. Sometimes I think I ought to read them to get my money’s worth. My knowledge as to what critics say against the Church is no indication as to how strong my faith is. I knew much of the critique before I has any faith. Furthermore, I have no intention to read the literature, and just having it on myself is not going to do anyone any good. I could give the books away, but I do not think they well do any good for anybody.
The other category could be summed up as gay pride. As I was driving earlier this week I came to understand that pride cannot be part of my life. I feel this is counter-cultural, and all of societies reasons are my means of justifying holding on to this piece of my past. I echo the words of society, it is who I am, I cannot change, i am not bad. And perhaps it is part of who I am, perhaps it will never change, and quite certainly God created me good, but all that considered, pride is not the way forward. If the opposite of pride is denial, that is not the answer, nor is the answer somewhere between those two points. I would posit that it is some place two feet above. I can acknowledge and accept that I am attracted to women without making it a point of pride.
Philippians 3:7-8: “But what things were gain to me, those I counted loss for Christ. Yea doubtless, and I count all things but loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord: for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and do count them but dung, that I may win Christ.”
I must put my past behind me, recognize that it is rubbish and rest in the rewards Christ has offered. It is time for church, but I must pass by the recycle bin first.