“F***”
That was just the beginning.
For the past could of years I’ve held the belief that swearing when praying is perfectly acceptable. It is part of being open with God, right where you are at. That said, I’d never done it before. After all, I don’t really swear, and by "don’t really" I mean Monday was the first time I’d ever said the "f-word". It is such a cold, harsh word, and I wondered if allowing myself to say that word caused me to say or think things that I otherwise wouldn’t have said to God. I am pretty sure the answer is yes. It wasn’t that those thoughts were not in my head; rather I had no way of articulating them. The "f-word" was the medium I needed to get my thoughts out and to get my point across. If I hadn’t been using the word, I wouldn’t have said what I did. I probably wouldn’t have said anything at all. As I thought at one point “I can’t cry, but I can swear.” It is not often I take the time to express myself. After swearing a lot this afternoon on my drive, I started thinking about the idea of swearing around people. It is something I don't think I'd do. I tried to imagine people who I could see myself swearing around, but everyone was scratched off the list for one reason or another. I thought even if I am not in a healthy place with God, at least I can be myself around him which is better than around anyone else. I am not currently very happy with God, and while swearing when praying is different than swearing at God, I did both. Maybe the latter is not okay, I don't know.
I don’t have a happy way to end this, but I prayed today, for a lot longer than I’ve prayed for a long time. Prayer is good, right?
