Wednesday, 26 September 2012

Swearing at God...

Today I went for a long drive with God.  I had just turned on the music, when a sudden urge came over me.  I wanted to swear.  I didn’t just want to swear, but I wanted to be able to hear it.  I turned off the music before I could even identify the song and reached my teeth over my lip.
That was just the beginning. 
For the past could of years I’ve held the belief that swearing when praying is perfectly acceptable.  It is part of being open with God, right where you are at.  That said, I’d never done it before.  After all, I don’t really swear, and by "don’t really" I mean Monday was the first time I’d ever said the "f-word".  It is such a cold, harsh word, and I wondered if allowing myself to say that word caused me to say or think things that I otherwise wouldn’t have said to God.  I am pretty sure the answer is yes.  It wasn’t that those thoughts were not in my head; rather I had no way of articulating them.  The "f-word" was the medium I needed to get my thoughts out and to get my point across.  If I hadn’t been using the word, I wouldn’t have said what I did.  I probably wouldn’t have said anything at all.  As I thought at one point “I can’t cry, but I can swear.”  It is not often I take the time to express myself.  After swearing a lot this afternoon on my drive, I started thinking about the idea of swearing around people.  It is something I don't think I'd do.  I tried to imagine people who I could see myself swearing around, but everyone was scratched off the list for one reason or another.  I thought even if I am not in a healthy place with God, at least I can be myself around him which is better than around anyone else.  I am not currently very happy with God, and while swearing when praying is different than swearing at God, I did both.  Maybe the latter is not okay, I don't know.
I don’t have a happy way to end this, but I prayed today, for a lot longer than I’ve prayed for a long time.  Prayer is good, right?


  1. Prayer for sure a good thing. I've never sworn at God, but I guess if you're saying "God I'm really F****** mad about this situation" [for example] you're probably fine. I probably wouldn't go with "God you're a ____" [yeah I can't even finish that]. But you do have to be at place where you can pour our your heart to God in a way that is meaningful to you and Him. It's a conversation, right? ;-)

  2. I hear what you're saying. There is a difference between saying "God I'm F****** lonely" and "F*** you God." I definitely did both. At first I thought that maybe I'd come to a place of repentance for the latter, but I am starting to think that maybe it was perfectly fine. I am certainly in a better place right now, God and I went for another long drive, and a hike up a mountain. When I said "F*** you" to God, I knew I meant it, but that I might not always mean it, but I felt like something lifted from me and only darkness was left in me. I wondered if that was the Holy Spirit leaving me. That is a scary thought. Frequently I come back to this, "Christ alone is my hope". That is all I got, but it often keeps me going.
    conversation yes, but when I pray it feels far too one sided. I'm sure God is fed up with the one sided conversations he's been trying to have with me when I've been ignoring him...

  3. The F word is one of my favorite words. It expresses emotions that nothing else can. I don't know of it is because it was forbidden for so long, or just the sound if the word is satisfying or.... Butitfeels good to me.

    I've thought a lt about swearing to and at God. As a mormon, I was raised to believe god is our father, and one day we can be like him. That teaching took me to a place where I thought about how I would want my children to be. I'd be fine if they swore, or even if thy said "F--- you!!"

  4. I can't say I've ever thought about how I'd feel about my own children swearing at me, but it does bother me when people avoid swearing around me because they think I will condemn them or something. I have no problem when the youth I work with swear around me, or even at me... I'd rather them be themselves, and express themselves as they know how, but it would be good sometimes, if they learned some better ways of doing so. But, I'm around to accept them where they are at. If they want to change, I'll be there to support them.

  5. Oh, and one more thing Jen,

    I used to think that there was never any good reason to swear. But I agree that the F word really says things that no other word can capture. sometimes it is the only word that really works.