Restoration, Restitution.

"You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect." ~Jesus

Anything Right - P.O.D.

So much to say so little time for me to explain the way I feel You only see things the way you want to see them It makes sense to you all these things you do You got it all figured out while everyone is confused

How do you do it? In your mind I'm just blind You're right all of the time If I think for myself, I guess I'm way out of line I'm not who you are I'm so sorry

(Chorus:)I can't do anything right You don't know me, stay out of my life Kick me while I'm down, I want you to I can't be like you Don't want to be like you

No matter what I do it's never good enough I give all that is me; still it's never enough So, why try? I give up. What does it feel like to be in you shoes And walk over everyone like you do? Tear me down again, I want you to.

I Got a Secret... I am Afraid

-I am afraid of dogs, of being bitten, chased and being chased and then bitten (or being bitten and then chased)
-I am afraid of failure, of giving my, trying hard with no results – so I am afraid of of trying, because then I might fail and have no excuse
-I am afraid of living some boring mediocre life because I am afraid to do what God has called me to do.
-I am afraid of being wrong
-I am afraid of so passionately living my dream and making a youth hang out place, and then have no one come
-I am afraid of being rich, of having too much and not wisely spending it
-I am afraid of misrepresenting God
-I am afraid of being open, especially with my passion, because what if others just don’t understand
-I am afraid of being corrected, but I am learning it can be okay
-I am afraid of planning, or being to certain about something, and then having those plans fall through
-I am afraid of not being loved, and being alone, having no one who will understand my passion, no one to encourage me. I am afraid of being the only one who cares about God’s word and the only one with passion for it. I am afraid of not having anyone with whom to share my story, my stories and myself.
-I am afraid of being insignificant
-I am afraid of only talking and never doing, and I am afraid of writing so much that I forget how to be open in real words.
-I am afraid of becoming self reliant and too often forgetting to pray.
-I am afraid of asking for too much, and taking to much, and not giving enough
-I am afraid I will misspend my money and misuse my time
-I am afraid of loosing hope
-I am afraid of being content with my Christian life, afraid I will not continue to want to know God more, and not want to pray more
-I am afraid of commitment
-I am afraid I will learn all about God without ever knowing him personally
-I am afraid of falling in love with this world
-I am afraid no one shares my values
-I am afraid I have failed
-I am afraid to share the Gospel, and more so afraid I will not share it
-I am afraid none of this is real, that my words are fake and my faith is incomplete
-I am afraid of meaningless talk and deep conversation
-I am afraid I talk too much when it doesn’t mater, and not enough when it does.
-I am afraid I am too afraid to accomplish anything
-I am afraid to drive
-I am afraid of other’s disappointment
-I am afraid to bring bad news
-I am afraid of awkward conversations
-I am afraid that my uncoolness will keep me from accomplishing anything, afraid that I rely too much on weather or not I think people like me to actually just do what I got to do. I am afraid I am too worried about what others think of me
-I am afraid of being hated
-I am afraid I am incapable of doing what I dream
-I am afraid my dream is foolish and not what God wants, but I also fear thinking that if it is not true.
-I am afraid I am too easily convinced
-I am afraid of not following my words with actions
-I am afraid I don’t pray enough
-I am afraid God won’t answer my prayers
-I am afraid of being too prideful
-I am afraid of ridicule
-I am afraid of being relied on

i am rapidly going crazy
like an introvert
constantly surrounded by people
save me.

Joy, the gift of God's presents(presence)

I got my drivers license today, but now i never wanna drive, the thought scares me... (so i can't drive to Lacombe or Belfast)... but on to more weighing matters.

Christmas:
I was talking to a friend today
a lonely friend
a hurting friend
mediocre, mellow, moderate, modest
But mostly, he was lonely
and when we talked about Christmas
it meant nothing to him
no family to see
no friends to gather
no money to buy gifts
and no one to buy gifts for
sure the shelters would have a special Christmas event
music
food
and gifts
but on Christmas they are silent
the volunteers at home
warm
with friends
enjoying their time of refreshment
Christmas day must hurt
it is a time,
A time of friendship, spend alone
Of feasting, spent hungry
of presents, spent giftless
I wanted to cry for him
his face was as though he didn't care
his words portrayed that he wished he had made better choices
and now,
it was too late

He was one of many
and not the only one i talked to today

Richard hadn't had Christmas in nine years
Nine years with no joy, no presents
nine frost biting years
nine years ago (or so) i got a toy seal,
and a pink folder with stickers
and many other things, i no longer remember
and then when the gifts where all opened
and i had my toys lined up behind me
They were so few
I though
I should get more
but nine years ago Richard didn't even have a Christmas
he had nothing to line up
nothing to show off
and no one to show it off to

Richard never seems that lonely to me.
always he is there with a friend
or two
and he is happy
smart
friendly
yet he has no one to have Christmas with
no where to gather together
so he is left alone
and is that really a holiday?
i look forward to Christmas
mostly to see my cousins
and aunts and uncles
and may Grandparents
But if i had no one to go see
no good food to eat
no presents for me
I would dread that day
a time of joy
but i would loathe every moment of it's approaching
I'd give up on every having a good Christmas
leave behind my Childhood memories
Forget that i ever liked it
but Richard has not given up
he says
He is finally going up in the world
he thought
maybe next year
maybe then he would have a house
and have a celebration
don't loose hope,
never loose hope Richard
Please.

i am done school, i cant say i have ever been as happy about it,


PARTY


now what do i do?
any ideas?

Nineveh or Tarshish

I have an opportunity to go to Bolivia.
My life dream (see below) has not changed since gr.8.
I wanna do inner city work in Calgary.
I have been thinking about Jonah
I feel so inadequate to work in Calgary.
I wonder if going to Bolivia is fleeing from Calgary
Going to Tarshish, fleeing from Nineveh
But maybe Calgary is to wait
I wont be in Bolivia for forever
What if i never go to Calgary to do youth work?
What if I just want to think going to Bolivia is like fleeing.
Because i am afraid to go there
Because i don't wanna leave friends
family
the comfort of home
Because it is just that my easier not to go.
but if i know one thing in life,
I'm tired of it being easy
tired of living in comfort
getting what i want,
doing as i please
Having nothing to worry about
yet, i like it
but where will it get me?
where will i learn to have faith?
how will i know to how to trust God?
maybe it is not about my passions
my will
my desires
I wish i knew God's passions
his will
his desires.
God will work through me where ever i am
Bolivia
Canada
He worked through Jonah,
even on his way to Tarshish
The men he was with learned to fear his God
I want people to learn to fear my God
to repent
to find Joy
to hunger for the Lord,
and to be filled
Yet i am still learning to fear my God
to repent
to find Joy
to hunger only for the Lord
and to allow him to fill me
we all hunger for God
but sometimes we don't know it
we search for stuff
friends
activities
money to fill that need
sometimes we even get satisfied with this stuff
we fill our lives with it
until there is no room for God
In Canada I have stuff
friends
Activities
and money
what if that is getting in my way of being filled by God
of relying on God
of knowing God
of hearing God
how will i ever know what to do until i hear God
life is so crowded here
in Bolivia i would be vulnerable
open
empty
weak
silent
how can i hear his voice when life is so crowded
with stuff
school
books
friends
God can speak through all of those
but only if within them i am listening
The word of the Lord came to Jonah
twice
Once he ignored it
then he listened
he followed
The people were saved
Jonah was angry
I long for God's will to be done
I hope it will not make me angry
i desire for it to be done through me
it is hard to be listening for God
especially in the middle of finals
but somethings are more important than others
and Blogging is probably not one of them
Jonah 3:3 Jonah obeyed the word of God and went to Nineveh
I hope it can be said of me
Patricia obeyed the word of God and went
sooner or later I got to get out of the comfort that surrounds me
it has been far to easy for far too long
I have been relying on my own strength
and it has mostly been enough
but it won't always be enough
and i don't want it to be enough
But God's strength will be enough