Now!

While symptoms of depression and anxiety are not new in my life, I am finally realising them for what they are and deciding that it is time for a change. A great motivator has been writing a list of what “better” would look like.

What better looks like:

confidence in social interactions

church without fear or extreme discomfort

grocery shopping without feeling overwhelmed

better understanding and awareness of my feelings (recognising stress prior to feeling physical symptoms like stomachaches and headaches)

no thoughts of self harm

no negative self talk

willing to make commitments

worry doesn’t take away from my enjoyment of the present

greater awareness and acceptance of my attractions

no disproportionate reaction to touch

no dread of going to bed

motivation to wake up in the mornings

consistently care about what I care about

friendships in which I am raw

no delay of leaving/being late because of fear/discomfort about where I am going

no general aversion to food

no feelings of vulnerability when wearing a skirt

be okay with looking pretty/attractive

give worries reasonable weight/attention

hope

social interactions a delight and not a burden

Since making this list I have been more motivated to get help and get better. This morning I saw my doctor and she suggested I try some counselling to see if that helps before trying meds. Counselling, learning to change my though patterns, take time and is work. Meds also take time to work. I want to be better now. I don’t want to wait, and I don’t want to work. I crawled out of bed to go see the doctor; when I got home, I crawled right back into bed. I guess I don’t have much hope. I can’t promise myself that every aspect of better will be accomplished as I heed the words of my counsellor; improvement won’t be in an instant, but it is possible.

And yet:

If I were miraculously healed now, I’d feel like that would discredit my current feelings. The difficulty I am having in explaining this is perhaps evident that this thought process is illogical. If I instantly get better, then I will believe I was never sick. I want to be sick. I want to be sick because I want there to be a reason I am feeling as I do. I want to be sick because then there is reason to hope that better is possible. I want to be sick because if this is normal, normal is horrible. Normal isn’t worth living. If I am miraculously happy now, if I wake up as jolly as a daisy tomorrow, I’ll forget how awful I’ve felt. These feelings so present now will flutter away with the dust, and I’ll begin to believe I always was fine. If I wake up happy tomorrow I’ll decide I don’t need counselling, and certainly not medication, but these awful, horrible feelings inevitably will come back. They always do.

Purpose

As a missionary I taught the Plan of Salvation as an answer to the question "why we are here?"  It is an important question which the Plan of Salvation answers in many big ways.  We are here to learn, grow and progress.  We are here to gain a body and to eventually live with Heavenly Father again.  We are here to be part of families, to love and to be loved.  We are here to face challenges, hardships and trials, and ultimately, to overcome.  We are here to try, and because of our saviour's atonement, we are here to make mistakes, to learn to repent and to find forgiveness.  We are here to have joy.

Regardless of knowing the above, I go day to day often with little purpose.  I don't know why I get out of bed in the morning, I don't know what to do with my time to make it meaningful, I don't know why I am here.  Living life without a purpose is really hard.

When it was suggested to me today that I have a hard time finding purpose in my day to day life, I wanted to retaliate.  I wanted to argue "But the Church..." The Church, the doctrines it presents, provide meaning in my life.  I ought to have purpose, I know the doctrine, I have taught it time and again.  That said, I could not disagree.  From day to day, moment to moment, my life lacks purpose.  I notice this lack of purpose when I am playing games on my phone, not because I am enjoying the game, but because I can think of no activity which would bring meaning into my life.  I notice this lack of purpose when I cannot will myself out of bed in the morning.  I notice this lack of purpose when I check my social media accounts again and again, not sure what I am looking for, but never finding fulfillment.

Yet I believe the Plan of Salvation is God's plan for us, even for me.  However, I have a hard time applying it to the moments which make up my life.  My purpose here is to progress, to become like God.

How does waking up early and actually getting out of bed help me to become like God?
How does brushing my teeth help me progress?
Will I progress faster if I make and eat pancakes for breakfast or if I eat cereal?
How does my decision on what I wear help me to progress?
And then what?  What meaningful activities can I do before work which will help me progress?
Yes, there is scripture study, and prayer, but what else?
Does sending a text help me progress?
Do I progress as I play games on my phone?
Will skating endless figure-eights aid in my progression?
Does developing and using my skills help me to progress?  Which skills should I develop?
How do I make sure work is more than work, but that I take hold of the opportunities in which I can progress?
How does staying up late writing a blog post help me to progress?

Perhaps it seems silly to consider how each action plays in to my eternal destiny (and if I do not go about this carefully, I may end up feeling stressed about my lack of progression), but if my actions are not eternally significant, then they are not significant, and quickly I begin to wonder if I am significant at all.

If I am going to find joy, I must see the greater significance behind my seemingly meaningless actions.  I must determine which actions will help me become who it is that I want to become.  Progression is a slow journey.  I cannot expect to find meaning in a day.  I still do not know what will get me out of bed tomorrow.  Yet, if in each day I can find some meaning, if I can understand, even if ever so slightly, how my activities are helping me become the best me, if I can take small steps forward, then let me celebrate.  I am here for a reason.  "This is the day which the Lord hath made; [I] will rejoice and be glad in it." - Psalm 118:24