While symptoms of
depression and anxiety are not new in my life, I am finally realising
them for what they are and deciding that it is time for a change. A
great motivator has been writing a list of what “better” would
look like.
What better looks
like:
confidence in social
interactions
church without fear
or extreme discomfort
grocery shopping
without feeling overwhelmed
better understanding
and awareness of my feelings (recognising stress prior to feeling
physical symptoms like stomachaches and headaches)
no thoughts of self
harm
no negative self
talk
willing to make
commitments
worry doesn’t take
away from my enjoyment of the present
greater awareness
and acceptance of my attractions
no disproportionate
reaction to touch
no dread of going to
bed
motivation to wake
up in the mornings
consistently care
about what I care about
friendships in which
I am raw
no delay of
leaving/being late because of fear/discomfort about where I am going
no general aversion
to food
no feelings of
vulnerability when wearing a skirt
be okay with looking
pretty/attractive
give worries
reasonable weight/attention
hope
social interactions
a delight and not a burden
Since making this
list I have been more motivated to get help and get better. This
morning I saw my doctor and she suggested I try some counselling to
see if that helps before trying meds. Counselling, learning to
change my though patterns, take time and is work. Meds also take
time to work. I want to be better now. I don’t want to wait, and
I don’t want to work. I crawled out of bed to go see the doctor; when I got home, I crawled right back into bed. I guess I don’t have much hope. I can’t
promise myself that every aspect of better will be accomplished as I
heed the words of my counsellor; improvement won’t be in an
instant, but it is possible.
And yet:
If I were
miraculously healed now, I’d feel like that would discredit my
current feelings. The difficulty I am having in explaining this is
perhaps evident that this thought process is illogical. If I
instantly get better, then I will believe I was never sick. I want
to be sick. I want to be sick because I want there to be a reason I
am feeling as I do. I want to be sick because then there is reason
to hope that better is possible. I want to be sick because if this
is normal, normal is horrible. Normal isn’t worth living. If I am
miraculously happy now, if I wake up as jolly as a daisy tomorrow,
I’ll forget how awful I’ve felt. These feelings so present now
will flutter away with the dust, and I’ll begin to believe I always
was fine. If I wake up happy tomorrow I’ll decide I don’t need
counselling, and certainly not medication, but these awful, horrible
feelings inevitably will come back. They always do.
"There will be bad days. Be calm. Loosen your grip, opening each palm slowly now. Let go. Be confident. Know that now is only a moment, and that if today is as bad as it gets, understand that by tomorrow, today will have ended. Be gracious. Accept each extended hand offered, to pull you back from the somewhere you cannot escape. Be diligent. Scrape the gray sky clean. Realize every dark cloud is a smoke screen meant to blind us from the truth, and the truth is whether we see them or not - the sun and moon are still there and always there is light. Be forthright. Despite your instinct to say "it's alright, I'm okay" - be honest. Say how you feel without fear or guilt, without remorse or complexity. Be lucid in your explanation, be sterling in your oppose. If you think for one second no one knows what you've been going through; be accepting of the fact that you are wrong, that the long drawn and heavy breaths of despair have at times been felt by everyone - that pain is part of the human condition and that alone makes you a legion. We hungry underdogs, we risers with dawn, we dissmisser's of odds, we blesser's of on – we will station ourselves to the calm. We will hold ourselves to the steady, be ready player one. Life is going to come at you armed with hard times and tough choices, your voice is your weapon, your thoughts ammunition – there are no free extra men, be aware that as the instant now passes, it exists now as then. So be a mirror reflecting yourself back, and remembering the times when you thought all of this was too hard and you'd never make it through. Remember the times you could have pressed quit – but you hit continue. Be forgiving. Living with the burden of anger, is not living. Giving your focus to wrath will leave your entire self absent of what you need. Love and hate are beasts and the one that grows is the one you feed. Be persistent. Be the weed growing through the cracks in the cement, beautiful - because it doesn't know it's not supposed to grow there. Be resolute. Declare what you accept as true in a way that envisions the resolve with which you accept it. If you are having a good day, be considerate. A simple smile could be the first-aid kit that someone has been looking for. If you believe with absolute honesty that you are doing everything you can - do more. There will be bad days, Times when the world weighs on you for so long it leaves you looking for an easy way out. There will be moments when the drought of joy seems unending. Instances spent pretending that everything is alright when it clearly is not, check your blind spot. See that love is still there, be patient. Every nightmare has a beginning, but every bad day has an end. Ignore what others have called you. I am calling you friend. Make us comprehend the urgency of your crisis. Silence left to its own devices, breed's silence. So speak and be heard. One word after the next, express yourself and put your life in the context – if you find that no one is listening, be loud. Make noise. Stand in poise and be open. Hope in these situations is not enough and you will need someone to lean on. In the unlikely event that you have no one, look again. Everyone is blessed with the ability to listen. The deaf will hear you with their eyes. The blind will see you with their hands. Let your heart fill their news-stands, Let them read all about it. Admit to the bad days, the impossible nights. Listen to the insights of those who have been there, but come back. They will tell you; you can stack misery, you can pack disappear you can even wear your sorrow – but come tomorrow you must change your clothes. Everyone knows pain. We are not meant to carry it forever. We were never meant to hold it so closely, so be certain in the belief that what pain belongs to now will belong soon to then. That when someone asks you how was your day, realize that for some of us – it's the only way we know how to say, be calm. Loosen your grip, opening each palm, slowly now – let go."
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