Thankful 118-234

1. I am thankful for my niece A, and that she seems to be warming up to me. 
2. I am thankful for my niece L and I admire her appreciation of stories. 
3. I am thankful for the opportunity I had to tutor two young boys who enjoyed learning. 
4. I am thankful for the peace I feel while in SJ's arms. 
5. I am thankful SJ safely arrived in Canada. 
6. I am thankful the border patrol allowed her to stay. 
7. I am thankful her plane eventually flew here!
8. I am thankful for warm weather in January. 
9. I am thankful for my coworkers who help me out. 
10. I am thankful for the interesting conversations I have with F. 
11. I am grateful that my students like me. 
12. I am thankful I can make up stuff on the spot. 
13. I am thankful for my roommate D, and her generosity. 
14. I am thankful for Stake conference. 
15. I am thankful for the new library. 
16. I am thankful for an understanding bishop. 
17. I am thankful for FHE. I am thankful it the role it played in allowing me to join the church and connect once again with God.
18. I am thankful I met SJ at FHE last year. 
19. I am thankful I can be sad, about leaving the church, yet so very happy I am making this choice. 
20. I am thankful for those who mourn with me and those who rejoice with me. 
21. I am thankful for the plus 15. 
22. I am thankful for artwork scattered throughout the city. 
23. I am thankful for the city of Canmore. 
24. I am grateful I have a place there where I can stay. 
25. I am thankful for all the beautiful mountains. 
26. I am grateful I was able to hike part of EEOR with SJ. 
27. I am grateful we stayed safe. 
28. I am thankful every time she kisses me. 
29. I am thankful we posted on FB last night. 
30. I am thankful for supportive people. 
31. I am thankful for cheese and beans. 
32. I am grateful for the possibilities of places to live in Calgary. 
33. I am thankful for equality laws/anti-discrimination laws in Canada. 
34. I am thankful the Ctrain came on time this morning. 
35. I am thankful I have a warm house. 
36. I am thankful for the various housing options available in Calgary. 
37. I am thankful for my reliable car. 
38. I am thankful for honesty. 
39. I am thankful for SJ motivating me to care for myself. 
40. I am thankful for her help with household tasks. 
41. I am thankful that she motivates me to eat and care for myself. 
42. I am grateful for FB, it makes coming out easier. 
43. I am thankful for my friends who always support me. 
44. I am grateful for the fresh snow which makes the world look white and magical. 
45. I am thankful for lip balm. 
46. I am thankful that I have hope for the future. 
47. I am thankful I can be completely myself when I am with SJ. 
48. I am thankful for my water bottle. 
49. I am thankful for my backpack. 
50. I am grateful for my laptop, it was a gift from my sister. 
51. I am grateful for my cell phone. It was a gift from my other sister. 
52. I am thankful that there are warm places to house people in cold nights. I hope there are enough. 
53. I am thankful for my longboard. 
54. I am thankful SJ helped me to rearrange my room. 
55. I am thankful to have a washer and dryer which I can use. 
56. I am thankful SJ convinced me to get my haircut. 
57. I am thankful it didn't cost too much. 
58. I am thankful my car started in -25. 
59. I am thankful for hearts. 
60. I am thankful for love. 
61. I am thankful my coworker might have a place where we can live. 
62. I am thankful for the FHE committee. 
63. I am thankful for the pronunciation lab at work. 
64. I am thankful for the pronunciation resources. 
65. I am thankful to be able to joke with my students. 
66. I am thankful for the students who came to school when it was -25. 
67. I am thankful for my mittens. 
68. I am thankful for my new jacket. 
69. I am thankful for my backpack. 
70. I am thankful for my black running shoes.  
71. I am thankful for honesty. 
72. I am grateful SJ and I can be honest with each other. 
73. I am grateful every time I can come out to someone. 
74. I am thankful every time I drive in a slippery road, but I do not crash. 
75. I am thankful for my paycheque. 
76. I am thankful to be able to teach. 
77. I am thankful for warm hugs. 
78. I am thankful for water bottles. 
79. I am thankful for forgiving students. 
80. I am thankful sunshine!
81. I am grateful that cold weather doesn't last forever. 
82. I am thankful SJ appreciates my stories. 
83. I am thankful I was able to give my class an assessment. 
84. I am thankful for my students perspectives. 
85. I am thankful for the invitation from my sister yesterday to go for supper. 
86. I am thankful for the frozen river. 
87. I am thankful I know how to make bracelets. 
88. I am grateful that the train is heated. 
89. I am thankful for the computer lab at work. 
90. I am thankful I have access to additional training. 
91. I am thankful my coworker shared chocolate with me today. 
92. I am thankful I was able to be sensitive to my student. 
93. I am thankful I was able to hear my students speak kindly about me. 
94. I am thankful SJ can stay warm at home. 
95. I am thankful we potentially have a place to live. 
96. I am thankful I could do my marking during class today. 
97. I am thankful for times I can give a little extra to help my students. 
98. I am thankful I can wear jeans to work on Friday. 
99. I am thankful I have mittens and a toque. 
100. I am thankful that I could hold my nephew yesterday. 
101. I am thankful I could sit next to J last night. 
102. I am thankful that Canmore is a pretty city. 
103. I am thankful M wasn't too grumpy last night, and that she still liked me. 
104. I am thankful that I have a stomach. 
105. I am thankful to be able to share my plans with my sisters. 
106. I am thankful that I will see my mom soon. 
107. I am thankful for chocolate chips. 
108. I am thankful for ice cream in Canmore. 
109. I am thankful for possibilities and flexibility. 
110. I am thankful for special moments on the old railroad bridge in Canmore. 
111. I am thankful for yogurt. 
112. I am thankful that I know how to bake cinnamon buns. 
113. I am thankful to be going home. 
114. I am thankful I can survive while working part time. 
115. I am thankful for the heater next to my desk at work. 
116. I am thankful for libraries. 
117. I am thankful for my body.

79-117 (Still Thankful)

1. I am thankful to watch the sunrise as I walk to the train. 
2. I am thankful for interesting dreams. They give me something to think about when I wake up. 
3. I am thankful for frosty winter days. 
4. I am thankful that M was so happy to see my and crawled straight for me. 
5. I am grateful I could read stories to J. 
6. I'm grateful that I finished my course outlines. 
7. I am thankful for online assessment tools. 
8. I am thankful for online quizzes. 
9. I am thankful for my counsellor. 
10. I am thankful that she is excited for me that SJ is coming. 
11. I am thankful my friends can confide in me.
12. I am thankful for a 6 hour video chat with SJ. 
13. I am thankful for food, and for being able to eat a variety of food. 
14. I am thankful for Chris Hadfield. I appreciate his music, his videos and that he is Canadian. 
15. I am thankful for bed time when the kids go to sleep and the house is quiet. 
16. I am thankful for hard but good talks with my sister. 
17. I am thankful for snow. 
18. I am thankful that I had the energy to shovel snow. 
19. I am thankful for institute class. 
20. I am thankful for the Book of Mormon. I am thankful that it has helped me to connect with Jesus Christ. 
21. I am thankful for the love and mercy of God. 
22. I am thankful for my PCN
23. I am thankful for the C-train and that it get me to work on time every day. 
24. I am thankful for beautiful mornings. 
25. I am thankful for heated train stations. 
    
26. I am thankful for all who work hard at the temple to enable it to function. 
27. I am thankful for those who make the temple a priority. 
28. I am thankful for the work ethic of others, which inspires me. 
29. I am thankful I can connect with free wifi in many places in Calgary. 
30. I am thankful for the frozen meals which are in my freezer. 
31. I am thankful that SJ is amazingly humble. 
32. I am thankful for SJ's openness to advice. 
33. I am thankful I could go on a walk with K. 
34. I am grateful for dreams. 
35. I am grateful for Bro. Y.  I am grateful for his compassion and understanding. 
36. I am grateful for the moments when I feel hungry. That might sound strange, but it is a pretty rare occurrence for me, and eating is more enjoyable when I am hungry. 
37. I am grateful I was able to answer the phone in the temple. It helped me feel peace while doing an activity which usually makes me nervous. 
38. I am grateful the elders are willing to do temple work on behalf of my deceased relatives. 
39. I am grateful for the opportunity, ability and motivation granted to me to research my family history. 

40-78

When it come to gratitude, it is hard to be grateful if I am focused on what I do not yet have. I am trying to be happy for what I have now, while also being happy for the hope I have for the good which is yet to come. This picture is from a walk I went on today.  I am grateful for that walk, and for finding this little hill...  but that didn't make it into my list.

1. I am thankful for my students and for their warm welcome back. 
2. I am thankful for my knowledge of the English language. 
3. I am thankful to be able to teach and tutor. 
4. I am thankful I can offer people rides. 
5. I am thankful I can talk with SJ about money. 
6. I am thankful I can read the Book of Mormon with SJ. 
7. I am grateful that I didn't feel depressed today. 
8. I am grateful for naps. 
9. I am thankful for the atmosphere at work. 
10. I am grateful for the variety of food in the grocery store. 
11. I am thankful for my friends G and B, and that they helped me discover that teaching ESL is fun. 
12. I am thankful for the training I have received.
13. I am grateful for all the information available to which I have access. 
14. I am thankful to have hope to change.
15. I want to be thankful, not just for the good in my life, but the good in the lives of those around me. I am thankful each of my students has the chance to be in Canada and learn English.  They each have their own story, and unique reason for coming to Canada. I am grateful they each are blessed to be able to be here. 
16. I am thankful that I don't need to be perfect yet. I can improve little by little. 
17. I am thankful I can walk. 
18. I am thankful for the hills in my neighbourhood. 
19. I am thankful for Canmore park. 
20. I am thankful to have a keyboard. 
21. I am thankful for the bit of piano knowledge I have, and that I am learning more. 
22. I am thankful for friends with whom I can joke. 
23. I am thankful for humour. 
24. I am thankful when others thank me. 
25. I am thankful to be able to clean the temple, and how that has encouraged me to take better care of the places I go. 
26. I am thankful to be a temple worker. 
27. I am thankful for the many people who have encouraged me in small ways through life's journey. I am thinking specifically of Brother and Sister P. 
28. I am thankful for their openness and their smiles. 
29. I am thankful to be a temple worker and a temple learner. 
30. I am grateful to always be able to learn about God. 
31. I am thankful for my Saturday classes. 
32. I am thankful for my coworker C and her willingness to share ideas and material with me. 
33. I am thankful for this list of gratitude with helps me to remember to focus on the positive, even as I look forward to SJ coming. 
34. I am thankful that SJ sings to me. 
35. I am thankful she makes me laugh. 
36. I am thankful for my study group. 
37. I am thankful for my friend D, and that she sat by me in Church. 
38. I am thankful for broadcasts. 
39. I am thankful for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and the covenants I can make with God. 

Thankful 1-39

I woke up, January 1^stand went into the bathroom. There I cupped my hands and drank water from the tap. As I did, I felt grateful, grateful to be able to drink water straight from the tap. I decided in 2019, I want to come up with 2019 reasons for gratitude. That is, on average, 39 a week. Here are the first 39:

1. I am thankful to live where I can drink water from the tap. 
2. I am thankful for snow. 
3. I am thankful for my nephew G, and that he always wants me to go back to his house. 
4. I am thankful for cuddles from my niece J. 
5. I am thankful for children's books. 
6. I am thankful my niece M. likes me. 
7. I am thankful my BIL J likes to drive and take care of my car. 
8. I am thankful for my Grandma, and that she cooked for me. 
9. I am thankful for my grandpa, for all his skills. 
10. I am thankful for my sister and her patience with me. 
11. I am thankful for my aunt and her experiences and knowledge which she is willing to share with me. 
12. I am thankful for my job, even though I am feeling anxious about going back to work. 
13. I am thankful I have had a break from work, and a chance to sleep a lot. 
14. I am thankful for Saskatchewan. 
15. I am thankful I can skate. 
16. I am thankful for puzzles.
17. I am thankful for messages from SJ that remind me of how much she loves me. 
18. I am thankful that I can look forward to January 23, and that it is not too many days away. 
19. I am grateful for vehicles that allow us to visit family. 
20. I am grateful that planes make Mexico not so far away. 
21. I am thankful for S and K, that they could meet each other and love each other
22. Every time my tummy hurts, I try to remember to be thankful for my tummy. 
23. Every time my heart hurts, I am thankful I have someone I can love so much, even if missing her hurts. 
24. I am thankful for messenger, that it allows me to stay in contact with people I care about. 
25. I am grateful for Skype, and for video chats with my girl. 
26. I am thankful for my bed. 
27. I am thankful for fog, because it is beautiful. 
28. I am thankful for the bed at my sister's house which is like my second bed. 
29. I am grateful that my car keeps working. 
30. I am grateful that the girl I love is gay. 
31. I am so very thankful that she loves me. 
32. Even though being gay can be super hard, I am grateful to be gay. 
33. I am thankful for two hour church. 
34. I am thankful for Jason and his family. 
35. I am grateful for Elder Holland, his understanding of mental illnesses and the hope that he offers. 
36. I am grateful for public transportation. 
37. I am grateful for light. 
38. I am grateful that mental illness is becoming a more common topic of conversation. I can learn from those who have had similar experiences to mine. 
39. I am thankful that I have a liver, and that I can love. 

The Living Christ: The Testimony of the Apostles The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

As we commemorate the birth of Jesus Christ two millennia ago, we offer our testimony of the reality of His matchless life and the infinite virtue of His great atoning sacrifice. None other has had so profound an influence upon all who have lived and will yet live upon the earth.

He was the Great Jehovah of the Old Testament, the Messiah of the New. Under the direction of His Father, He was the creator of the earth. “All things were made by him; and without him was not any thing made that was made” (John 1:3). Though sinless, He was baptized to fulfill all righteousness. He “went about doing good” (Acts 10:38), yet was despised for it. His gospel was a message of peace and goodwill. He entreated all to follow His example. He walked the roads of Palestine, healing the sick, causing the blind to see, and raising the dead. He taught the truths of eternity, the reality of our premortal existence, the purpose of our life on earth, and the potential for the sons and daughters of God in the life to come.

He instituted the sacrament as a reminder of His great atoning sacrifice. He was arrested and condemned on spurious charges, convicted to satisfy a mob, and sentenced to die on Calvary’s cross. He gave His life to atone for the sins of all mankind. His was a great vicarious gift in behalf of all who would ever live upon the earth.

We solemnly testify that His life, which is central to all human history, neither began in Bethlehem nor concluded on Calvary. He was the Firstborn of the Father, the Only Begotten Son in the flesh, the Redeemer of the world.

He rose from the grave to “become the firstfruits of them that slept” (1 Cor. 15:20). As Risen Lord, He visited among those He had loved in life. He also ministered among His “other sheep” (John 10:16) in ancient America. In the modern world, He and His Father appeared to the boy Joseph Smith, ushering in the long-promised “dispensation of the fulness of times” (Eph. 1:10).

Of the Living Christ, the Prophet Joseph wrote: “His eyes were as a flame of fire; the hair of his head was white like the pure snow; his countenance shone above the brightness of the sun; and his voice was as the sound of the rushing of great waters, even the voice of Jehovah, saying:

“I am the first and the last; I am he who liveth, I am he who was slain; I am your advocate with the Father” (D&C 110:3–4).

Of Him the Prophet also declared: “And now, after the many testimonies which have been given of him, this is the testimony, last of all, which we give of him: That he lives!

“For we saw him, even on the right hand of God; and we heard the voice bearing record that he is the Only Begotten of the Father—

“That by him, and through him, and of him, the worlds are and were created, and the inhabitants thereof are begotten sons and daughters unto God” (D&C 76:22–24).

We declare in words of solemnity that His priesthood and His Church have been restored upon the earth—“built upon the foundation of … apostles and prophets, Jesus Christ himself being the chief corner stone” (Eph. 2:20).

We testify that He will someday return to earth. “And the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together” (Isa. 40:5). He will rule as King of Kings and reign as Lord of Lords, and every knee shall bend and every tongue shall speak in worship before Him. Each of us will stand to be judged of Him according to our works and the desires of our hearts.

We bear testimony, as His duly ordained Apostles—that Jesus is the Living Christ, the immortal Son of God. He is the great King Immanuel, who stands today on the right hand of His Father. He is the light, the life, and the hope of the world. His way is the path that leads to happiness in this life and eternal life in the world to come. God be thanked for the matchless gift of His divine Son.

https://www.lds.org/ensign/2000/04/the-living-christ-the-testimony-of-the-apostles-the-church-of-jesus-christ-of-latter-day-saints?lang=eng

Shame Verses Me

I have been reading a book* about a transparent people. They are so open, that they can read each other’s minds. They do not lie, they have no secrets, they are not ashamed.

I was recently learning about picture books where the pictures tell a different story than the words, not only are the stories different, they contradict each other. I wondered if I could write such a story about my life: the narrative, what goes on in my head, the pictures, a depiction of my life. Would they contradict one another?

I am not prone to cry, even less likely to cry in front of others. Recently I found myself in tears, video chatting with SJ’s mom, feeling uncomfortable as I allowed her to see my humanity.

I have secrets. I am ashamed of who I am. I constantly fear the disproval of others. I am afraid to be wrong. I am afraid that if others really saw me, they would not like what they see. Therefore, I ponder many different ideas, but I act in a way which I think will be agreeable to those around me. If I do not know how they want me to act, I freeze. I do not think people want to see the negative emotions floating inside my head. I doubt they want to hear my apathy, I can’t be bothered to share much of it anyhow. I fear that if I share my fears and anxiety, others will fear what I fear, or they will disregard my fears, and disregard me, as nonsensical. So I hide my feelings, I hide my thoughts, I hide me.

This is a challenging way to live, and it be sure, I don’t think it is at all good for my mental health. My physical health seems to be suffering too. I want to change, I want to improve. I want to change the name of this blog, post it on my Facebook, and walk around naked (at least metaphorically). Change is hard, and I am afraid. Part of me is afraid that I don’t really know me, I don’t know who I am, not sure who I want to be. A big part of me is afraid that people will not like me if they see the real me. They will learn that I am pesky and miserable. I want to be a happy person, but when I am not happy, is it wrong to pretend to be content for the sake of others? Perhaps rather I should ask, is it helpful or harmful to pretend a mood.

It is also important for me to remember that I am allowed to change. Though posting on the internet is much like writing in indelible ink, and my past has very much shaped me, it does not define who I am today. My feelings, positions and perspectives are allowed to change, and are encouraged to do so. The aforementioned book* discusses how changing and improving are crucial in our lives, and provide us with purpose and meaning. The people have names that change and develop as they learn and become new beings. They celebrate who they become, they celebrate their accomplishments, not to boast, but as a way to acknowledge the goodness in and around them. They know who they are, they recognise their value.

Who am I? I am a child of God. Perhaps my greatest value in this life comes from being a child of God. Because he is my parent, I have potential to become like him.  I am human.

I am a daughter of God. I do not believe I fully understand or appreciate this part of me. I do not mind being female, but I wonder if there are ways I can better be motherly towards children and youth.

I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I am a follower of Christ. I have chosen to take the name of Christ upon myself, and make and keep sacred covenants with my Heavenly Father. I desire to become like and follow Christ in all I do.

I am gay. I am particularly attracted to one woman, and I desire to express my love for her in a way that aligns with the pure love of Christ and the covenants I have made. I desire to speak more openly about my sexual orientation, but even when given an opportunity to share, I most often shy away. On a deep level, I am still ashamed that I am gay. Since I have yet to fully accept this part of myself, I cannot expect others to accept me.

I am a teacher. I love teaching! Perhaps one reason I so appreciate my job is that I can stand in front of my class, make a fool of myself and still be accepted. My inner class clown, the attention seeker I’ve always suppressed, has an opportunity to shine.

I’ve been taking anti-depressants for about 6 months now. I think they are helping, but I don’t want to rely on them for the rest of my life. I think if I can learn to be, love and appreciate me, I might not need anti-depressants any longer.

I am an auntie. I love my nieces and my nephew. I love spending time with them, though I feel like often my energy in inadequate.

I like to run, I like to bake, I like to write and I like to create, but interest in these hobbies waxes and wanes. These hobbies do not make me who I am.

These sorts of thoughts are not new to me.  They are not new to my blog.  I hope posting this post is the first of many steps to change. The process of reconciling myself with myself, may not be easy. Perhaps the next step will be changing the name of this blog, coming out to a few more people, or crying openly. Change may not be easy, but I believe it is possible, I believe it is worthwhile.

*Morgan, Marlo. Mutant Message Down Under. (HarperCollins, New York, NY: 1994)

My Very Best Friend

I have a lot of friends, I know a lot of great people, but I have one very best friend, a friend I know I can always count on, because I know she always cares about me.

There are very many reasons why I love her so much, but I will just name a few. She is incredibly humble. She eagerly learns from others, accepts feedback and seeks to improve. She doesn’t think of herself as being better than others, but values all people and sees good in them. She is patient. When waiting in necessary, she is willing to wait. She is helps me to wait patiently and recognise the good in each day. She is responsible. When there is work that needs to be done, she does it. When sleep is the responsible option, she takes it. She is also very hard working. She is respectful. She will never treat me in a way that makes me uncomfortable. She listens to and cares about my opinion. She values my thoughts and she values me.

The more I realise that she cares about me, the more I feel safe trusting her with my heart. It is hard for me to believe that someone might love me, and yet, I know she does. It is wonderful. Though she is far away, we look forward to a day when we can live together and do life together. I wish that could be right now, but she reminds me that we need to be responsible and patient.

I can imagine a day when I won’t be waiting for her to come online, rather, I will be waiting for her to come home to my embrace. I look forward to a day when we can eat together, shop together, play together and pray together.

I want to tell the whole world about my very best friend, but they have a hard time understanding. Most seem to doubt that we can accomplish our goals and our dreams. I look forward to proving them wrong. Still, their hesitation, and the uniqueness of this friendship, can make me hesitant to share this good news with others. Regardless, I don’t need them to understand, because my very best friend takes time to understand me.

Our friendship is sacred, special, unique and peculiar. Our friendship is ours. It does not require the approval of others, we seek rather to delight each other and to serve our God. 

I am so thankful to have a very best friend who cares so much about me.

Happy Birthday SJ.  I love you!