When I told my
bishop that I am gay, he told me “that’s okay.” I’ve been
wondering ever since exactly what that means. Does it mean it is
okay that I like rainbows and the colour purple?
I suppose it is
difficult for me to say what it means for me to be gay, because I
don’t like stereotypes. I can’t say that the reason I like
playing soccer is because I am gay. Maybe I just like playing
soccer. So, perhaps I can stick only with the basics. I am gay,
that means I am attracted to women, and that is okay. God made women
beautiful, and it is okay if I notice that beauty.
Perhaps a better
starting point would be: “I am me, that’s okay, but what does
that mean?”
My identity and my
understanding of myself has changed a lot in the past 7 years. I was
once held the belief that Mormon’s were very wrong, and headed to
hell. Now I am a Mormon. I once thought that being gay was a
choice, and that being gay was a wrong and bad choice. Now I
identify as gay. I once thought I’d be a Christian youth worker,
now I teach adults in a secular environment.
I’m a Mormon, and
that is okay. Generally I have come to terms with this. I have
grown in my faith and confidence, and my love of the Book of Mormon
and our living prophets. It is still tricky around my family as I
try hard to avoid offending them, and as I fear I cannot fully talk
about that part of my life. At times I feel like they do not want to
hear much about the church. At other times, being a Mormon is hard
for me, and I don’t want to express these struggles in a way which
might make the church look bad. I am a Mormon, being a Mormon is
hard, and that is okay.
I am gay, and that’s
okay. It took me many years of life to accept my orientation, and
even now, I am not sure I fully understand what it means. I am
coming to understand that being gay is about more than dealing with
certain temptations. Yes, there are certain temptations that come
with being gay, but there is more to being gay than being tempted.
Perhaps being gay is more than okay, perhaps it is beautiful. God
didn’t just make me okay, he made me good. He has a plan and a
purpose for me, yes, even for the gay me. We are not all meant to be
the same. We are beautifully different, and gay me has something
unique to contribute. I am gay, and I hope one day I will fully see
that I am gay and that’s beautiful.
I am a teacher, and
I really do love my job. Sometimes I feel bad for leaving behind the
dreams of my youth, but I am happy to do what I do, and to allow this
job to become part of my identity.
Another addition to
my identity which I picked up nearly 5 years ago is the title
“Auntie.” I love being an aunt, and I seek to be the best aunt
ever. At times this is very hard, as depression and anxiety keep me
from engaging as fully as I wish I could. But, I love being an aunt.
I love my nieces and nephew.
I am me, and that is
okay.
